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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29611152">I'd Search Forever Just To Bring You Home</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/AngelWithoutAShotgun/pseuds/AngelWithoutAShotgun'>AngelWithoutAShotgun</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Supernatural</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>15x20 never happened, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bisexual Dean Winchester, Bottom Dean Winchester, Canon Compliant up to 15x19, Canon Divergence, Castiel and Dean Winchester Have a Profound Bond, Castiel/Dean Winchester First Kiss, Castiel/Dean Winchester First Time Having Sex, Dean Winchester Needs to Use Actual Words, Dean Winchester Realizes Feelings For Castiel, Dean Winchester Saves Castiel from the Empty, Destiel - Freeform, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fix-It, Fluff and Angst, I Will Go Down With This Ship, Jack Kline Saves Castiel from the Empty, Love Confessions, M/M, Mutual Pining, Post-Episode: s15e19 Inherit the Earth, Protective Dean Winchester, Reunion Hug, Sam Winchester Saves Castiel, Sam Winchester Ships Castiel/Dean Winchester, Supportive Sam Winchester, Top Castiel (Supernatural), Top Castiel/Bottom Dean Winchester, the ending we deserve</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-02-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-04-18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-15 16:40:54</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>25,088</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29611152</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/AngelWithoutAShotgun/pseuds/AngelWithoutAShotgun</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Set right after the events of 15x19 - Inherit the Earth</p><p> </p><p>  <i> “Dean?” Sam asked gently, </i></p><p> </p><p>  <i>Dean whirled on him, eyes more alive than it had been since he had told Sam and Jack about what had happened to Cas, “What’s the point of free will Sammy, if I don’t get to choose him? He is the only choice I want to make.” </i></p><p> </p><p>  <i>Dean, without waiting for a response, spun back into the hall and Sam heard the door to his room shut loudly. </i></p><p> </p><p>  <i>Sam let out an uneven breath.</i></p><p> </p><p>  <i>So, it looks like they were going to talk about it. </i></p><p> </p><p>OR </p><p>The one where Dean does not leave Castiel in the Empty, and in the process of finding the angel, finds out more about his own feelings.</p><p>__________</p><p>
  <b> Now Complete </b>
</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Castiel &amp; Dean Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester, Eileen Leahy/Sam Winchester</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>97</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>368</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. I'm Here Without You</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hi Hellers! </p><p>Each of the chapter titles are in reference to songs I listened to while writing this fic. </p><p>This is the first fanfic I have ever written, so any comments would be highly appreciated. </p><p>The story starts right after episode 15x19 - Inherit the Earth as the brothers Winchester drive back to the bunker.</p>
    </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I do not have a beta, as I am new to the A03 Community. Hence, all mistakes are my own.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>They had done it. Them. Dean and Sam had taken down Chuck.</p><p>When Dean had imagined this moment in his head, which he had admittedly done almost daily for months now, he never quite imagined it like this. Never Imagined that it would feel this hollow.</p><p>In his head, when this moment finally arrived, there would have been this insurmountable flood of relief pouring out of him. He would have felt right and his family… well his family would have celebrated. They would have held on to each other… united.  Together.</p><p>But this was unfortunately not the reality of the situation. They had won, but it had cost them everything.</p><p>The hollow feeling stuck with him, clung to a place right under his sternum making each breath difficult as he drove the Impala to the Bunker. Sam’s mood seemed to fit with his. He was staring out the window, eyebrows creased and neither of them had said anything the whole way home.</p><p>Home.</p><p>The word somehow sat wrong, felt wrong. Home had never been a place to Dean, it had always been people. And for a long time, it had only been Sam. For nearly three decades, the only person who had ever brought him any semblance of joy and a feeling of safety had been his brother. All he had ever needed was the car he was in now and the man sitting next to him. And for the longest time he hadn’t even believed that anyone else would be able to break into the fortress he had built around himself. He believed that the scene he was living right now, him and Sam driving in the Impala,  was all he would ever need. That was until…</p><p>
  <em>Cas.</em>
</p><p>The name burned his brain, brought a pain so sharp and sudden that Dean jerked the car. Sam’s head twisted sharply, and he stared at Dean, eyes flooding with concern. But Sam didn’t say anything, just watched his older brother closely and Dean kept his eyes trained on the road. The part of him that always wanted Sam to think that things were okay, that he was fine, itched to put his brother at ease. But he could not do it. Not this time. He would not be able to say the words: <em>I’m fine Sammy</em>. He would not be able to stumble his way through the phrase that usually fell so easily from his lips. The words that would never be true again unless there was an angel in a trench coat in his eyesight. So, he didn’t say anything. He just drove.</p><p>
  <em>Cas.</em>
</p><p>He was Dean’s home too. And Dean could not even pinpoint exactly when it had happened, when the blue eyes pierced through the fortress around his battered and bruised heart. Couldn’t remember the exact day the walls crumbled, the moment Cas crossed the threshold and took his place next to Sam, like he had always belonged there. Like he had always been a part of the rawest crevices of Dean’s heart. But all Dean knew was that that part belonged to Cas now. And now that he was gone, now that he was in the Empty, he would never be whole again.</p><p>The Empty… where Cas was because of the genuine happiness he had experienced in living the truth. In being able to tell Dean…</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>“The one thing I want, is the one thing I know I can’t have,”</em>
</p><p> </p><p>“Dammit” Dean yelled hitting the steering wheel, breaking the silence that had settled around the brothers.</p><p> “Fucking Dammit,” the words tore from Dean’s chest and he hit his head into steering wheel.</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>“Knowing you has changed me. Because you cared, I cared.”</em>
</p><p> </p><p>The words seemed to echo throughout his being, hurting every nook and cranny it touched.</p><p>“Dean,” Sam said softly, “pull over man.”</p><p>Dean could barely hear him through the ringing in his ears and Cas’ voice as it echoed somewhere deep within him.  Before now, he hadn’t had time to think about those last moments: about Castiel’s tear stained face, the relief and joy painting the angel’s features as he spoke the words, he had never felt that he would be able to say… Until now, Dean had been in survival mode, adrenaline coursing through his veins non-stop. But now that the imminent physical threat was gone, the emotional threat burst forward, clawing at Dean, demanding to be seen. The ringing in Dean’s ears turned deafening. His breath caught in his throat and his vision started to blur, an unnatural darkness mixing with the streetlamp lit night. He suddenly felt claustrophobic, the space in the car was too small, his skin was too tight.</p><p>He could not breathe.</p><p>
  <em>“I love you,”</em>
</p><p>He could not breathe.</p><p> The darkness was bleeding inwards. In seconds he would not be able to see. He felt Sam grab the wheel from him more than he saw it, felt the car veer off the road into an unkempt field.  He pulled the car door open and fell out before the Impala had fully come to a rest – needing space, needing air. He hit the ground hard, the momentum propelling him forward and he could feel his shoulder screaming in protest as it popped out of place when he rolled straight into a tree.</p><p>“Jesus Dean! Fuck,” he heard Sam from somewhere behind him. But his vision was so dark now he could barely see his hand in front him.</p><p>He could not breathe.</p><p>And then there was something pulling him into a sitting position, his back leaning against something solid. He kept gulping for air, pulling in oxygen but no matter what he did, the air did not seem to reach his lungs.</p><p>“Dean you’re having a panic attack,” he heard from far away. He tried to make sense of the words, but they seemed to bounce off him.</p><p>“Dean you need to slow your breathing, you’re hyperventilating. I know it feels like you can’t breathe, but you can. You’re getting too much oxygen in.” Sam’s voice finally pierced through the fog in his brain. He held on to the familiar sound and followed his brother’s instructions. Slowly his breathing returned to normal as the panicked feeling bled out, leaving Dean feeling weak and shaky.</p><p>He huffed out a tight breath when he felt like himself again, Sam did not speak but placed his hand on his brother’s shoulder. Solid and comforting. But Dean did not want comfort right now. Pain, anger and loss were mixing in a toxic burn in his stomach. He needed an out. He needed it to stop.</p><p>“What am I supposed to do?” Dean breathed out, and Sam tightened his hand on his shoulder.</p><p>“What am I supposed to do?” Dean asked louder, shrugging Sam off and standing up staring at the open sky above him.</p><p>“What am I supposed to do?” Dean screamed at the top of his lungs, agony ripping through him. He whirled on the tree, his fist connecting with the bark before he remembered giving his brain the command to do so.</p><p>“Dean, stop!” Sam cried behind him. But he could not, he would not. It felt so good, the agony in his shoulder and the agony in his fist as it continually connected with the rough bark were focal points, pulling him out of the tidal wave of emotions flooding through him. Dean did not know how to deal with the emotions eating at him, but he knew how to handle the physical sensations.</p><p>He hit the tree another time, and he felt the bones splinter, the sound seeming to echo in the quiet night. But before he could hit it again, Sam grabbed him and pulled him back roughly.</p><p>“Dean stop”, Sam pleaded with his brother as he pulled him away. He nearly had Dean back to the car - a difficult feat as Dean was tearing forward, arms flailing, looking for something to swing at - when there was a shift. Dean stopped struggling and just slumped down, falling onto his knees in the dirt. Dean looked up at the endless sky, the midnight blue freckled with stars.</p><p>“What am I supposed to do?”</p><p>
  <strong>XX</strong>
</p><p>The lights of the bunker garage seemed too bright when the two brothers parked the car, Sam behind the wheel and Dean wiping at his knuckle with his flannel. Sam had given Dean some time after his break down, watched him from the hood of the Impala as tears had streamed down his face, while he silently stared at the sky. But it was late and they were close to the bunker and Sam wanted to get Dean’s hand set before the shock wore off. So, he had silently pulled his brother to his feet, popped his shoulder back in place, and coaxed him into the back seat of the car. Dean had followed mutely, eyes never leaving the stars. The remainder of the drive was as deathly kind of silent. Sam swallowed. Today should have felt like a celebration, like a victory. But instead, the whole experience felt empty.</p><p>A part of Sam knew that if he still believed in prayer like he had in his twenties, he would be thanking every celestial being out there that his brother was here with him, that they had both survived this. That they did not become the Cain and Able Chuck had so desperately wanted. The thought still made his stomach lurch… how close they had come to ending the story the way the writer intended. But they had escaped it, wrote their own way out. But the victory lacked the triumph, and the gratitude for his brother was dulled slightly by the weight of the losses. He felt the absence of Jack and Cas acutely, the places where they were supposed to be somehow taking up more space now that they were empty. But he knew that Dean was going through something much deeper than he was.</p><p>They had never spoken about it, but Sam had known for a while that the way Dean felt about Cas was more than what he actively led on, it was more… profound. Sam never told Dean that he noticed when Dean’s eyes followed Cas around the room like he was Dean’s True North, how he always stood a little too close and never asked for personal space anymore. He never mentioned how when Cas disappeared for weeks on end, Dean would be moody at best and intolerable at worst. How during those times of absence, Sam would hear Dean in the Dean Cave until the early hours of the morning… his usual four hours dissolving into a combined two on good days. How Dean only ever smiled or laughed when Cas was in the bunker.</p><p>They never spoke about it.</p><p>Just like they never spoke about the time when Sam was thirteen and he had walked in on Dean kissing another boy on his bed in a rented motel room somewhere in California. Sam had squeaked in surprise and Dean had thrown a pillow at him with a mumbled “<em>getouttahere”</em> his lips never leaving the stranger’s neck. Sam had waited outside on a bench near the vending machine with a chemistry book in his lap. When Dean arrived about thirty minutes later, he gently clapped the back of Sam’s head and told him to get into the car and that they had to go meet John in the next town over. Dean had said nothing but had given Sam a meaningful look. And Sam knew what it meant… “Don’t tell Dad. Don’t say anything.” So, he hadn’t, and Dean never brought it up again.</p><p>So, although they never spoke about it. Sam knew that Cas meant something to Dean. Sam thought back on the excruciating pain he had felt when he had found Eileen’s phone with her nowhere in sight. The realization that she was <em>gone</em>. Dean was going through that now, and unlike Sam his story doesn’t seem to have a clear “happy ending” in sight. Sam got Eileen back. Dean was still without Cas.  Eileen was on her way to him now, driving to the bunker as they sat there, and Dean was left starting at the sky with a vacant look in his eye.</p><p>Sam wiped his hand down his face, trying to think of the best thing to do for his brother. Dean was unnaturally quiet in the back seat. Sam killed the engine and climbed out, opening the door for Dean, who was cradling his injured hand.</p><p>“Kitchen,” Sam ordered and luckily Dean did not put up a fight. When they arrived, Sam pulled a beer out of the fridge and grabbed the first aid kit. He plunked the beer down in front of his brother who opened it absent mindedly.</p><p>After Sam had disinfected the wound and made a splint for Dean’s hand, he sighed heavily. Dean’s eyes darted to him questioningly. “You should probably go to the hospital tomorrow and get that checked out properly.” Dean nodded and agreed gruffly as got up and headed towards the passage, probably heading to his room. Sam, however, knew Dean would not be going the hospital anytime soon.</p><p>“Hey Dean,” Sam called again, his voice low. Dean turned towards him, his eyes weary and slightly vacant. Sam had never seen his brother like this.</p><p>“I know this is not how we wanted this to pan out. But you have your free will now. You’ve wanted this for so long. It’s okay to celebrate that, at least a little. Cas would want you too…” Sam stopped when he saw the muscle in Dean’s jaw tighten and twitch. Dean said nothing, just turned back to the passage. Sam saw it as a dismissal, sighed and started putting the first aid kit back together. When he moved to put the kit back in the cupboard, he was startled to see Dean still in the doorway, his back to him.</p><p>“Dean?” Sam asked gently,</p><p>Dean whirled on him, eyes more alive than it had been since he had told Sam and Jack about what had happened to Cas, “What’s the point of free will Sammy, if I don’t get to choose him? He is the only choice I want to make.” Dean, without waiting for a response, spun back into the hall and Sam heard the door to his room shut loudly.</p><p>Sam let out an uneven breath.</p><p>So, it looks like they were going to talk about it.</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. I Was Getting Kind of Used to Being Someone You Loved</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Dean starts to process the loss of Cas and his own feelings towards the angel in the trench coat.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi hellers!</p><p>Sorry this chapter is a little on the short side, but I thought Dean's emotional processing deserved its own chapter. Also, please note that this chapter references S13e06 - Tombstone</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Dean had not slept at all. As in not one wink.</p><p>After he had stormed into his room, he had dropped down onto his bed without bothering to change into something more comfortable. Every bone felt heavy like his very skeleton had been coated over with cement. After the day he had experienced, Dean had assumed that he would fall asleep immediately; he was drained so absolutely that even breathing seemed like an excessive effort.</p><p> Sleep, however, evaded him. <em>Of course.</em></p><p>Every time he closed his eyes all he could see was the Empty, those tendrils enclosing on Cas. <em>His Cas</em>. There one second and gone the next. So instead, Dean stayed awake staring at the wall of his room. He kept his eyes open, replaying the angel’s last words over and over again, fists clenching and unclenching.</p><p>He was livid, furious, rage burning under his skin. Not this, not Cas, not like this. The anger pulsated, the familiar ache beating along with his heart. But this time he could feel something equally vicious pulling for his attention. A new type of white-hot agony.</p><p>And God did it <em>hurt</em>. And Dean’s every thought was twisted around the memory of Cas’ sacrifice. Each repeat of the scene digging deeper into a cut in his heart, a wound so deep now he did not see how it would ever scab over. A part of him that would bleed in this life and in the next.</p><p>As the night started blurring into the early hours of the morning, he realized what the worst part was. The absolute worst part was watching himself, repeatedly, saying nothing.</p><p>His silence was what hurt the most.</p><p>He didn’t say it back.</p><p>Dean jerked up, his mind trying to work through the smog of sleep deprivation. Had he ever said it? Had he ever told Cas he loved him? Even in a platonic, brotherly way? The answer burned its way into his consciousness – the fog around his brain dissipating instantly.</p><p>No. He hadn’t.</p><p>Because that was not the way he felt about him.</p><p>He hadn’t said it because saying he loved Cas the same way he loved Sam would have been a lie, a blasphemous twist on the feelings Dean kept tucked away into the most scarred and sacred corner of his heart. He loved him deeply, truly. He loved him like…</p><p>He was in love with him.</p><p>He was in love with his constant steady sureness. Castiel was the moon, pulling at the tides of Dean. He was in love with his unwavering loyalty, with his mistakes and the subsequent humanity that filtered through the celestial exterior, with his steadfast faith in Dean. He was in love with his patience, the soft layer of innocence that covered the hard shell of the warrior he was. He loved that when the world was ending, Cas was the one who got through to him.  Cas was his gravity. But there was no way Dean could have said that. That level of vulnerability was not something his mutilated soul could survive. So, he kept quiet. Rather a lie of omission than an outright corruption of the truth.</p><p>But in him staying quiet, had he taken something away from Cas? Because, with a sudden dawning horror, Dean could not remember one person telling Cas they loved him. A sharp electric feeling pushed into Dean’s ribs.</p><p> “<em>Did Cas die never having heard the words ‘I Love You’?”</em></p><p>Dean was out of his bed and banging on Sam’s door before the thought could lodge into the part of his brain that constantly relived all the ways he had failed those he cared about.</p><p>“Dean?” Sam asked groggily, opening the door to his room, “What time is it?”</p><p>“I think three or something,” Dean said pushing past Sam and going to sit on the chair opposite the bed.</p><p>“Did you sleep at all?” Sam asked, eyeing Dean.</p><p>“Did you ever tell Cas you loved him?” Dean asked, avoiding eye contact with Sam. Sam was silent for a minute before letting out a very long breath.</p><p>“No, Dean. I didn’t,” he took a deep breath, “but that doesn’t mean he didn’t know,”.</p><p>“He knew you loved him?” Dean asked lowly.</p><p>“Well, I don’t know about me. But he knew you loved him. And that’s what this conversation is really about isn’t it?” Sam responded softly. Dean’s head snapped up and he stared at Sam, searching his eyes for judgement but finding none.</p><p>“You knew?” Dean asked, feeling something inside him crack.</p><p>“Of course, Dean. You’re my brother. Even before what you mentioned earlier. I could see the effect he had on you. How his absences bothered you, how losing him killed something in you… every time,” Sam was speaking slowly, as if he was considering each word carefully.</p><p>There was a beat before Dean managed, “For how long?”</p><p>“How long what?” Sam asked, slightly confused.</p><p>“About me… and you know… this” Dean whispered; discomfort clear in his features.</p><p>“I’m not sure exactly. Something in you shifted when he helped us after I let Lucifer out,” Sam winced, the old mistake still a tender subject, “But I can’t say that I realized then, or if that was the moment that something developed, but I noticed a difference then.”</p><p>“That’s like ten years,” Dean eventually huffed, rubbing his forehead as if it could sort out the chaos in his brain.</p><p>“Yeah Dean, I’ve been watching you two do this dance for a decade…” Sam started but Dean interrupted: “us two?”</p><p>“Yeah Dean,” Sam smiled gently, but it didn’t reach his eyes, “the two of you?”</p><p>“You think… he.. with like me or whatever?” Dean asked cringing slightly. Cas’ confession was one thing. But having further proof of Cas, of his inability to notice….</p><p>“Yes Dean,” came the simple response.</p><p>Dean was quiet for a while, as he filtered through as many memories of Cas that he could grip onto and tried to see them through the filter of what he had just learned. Something inside was shifting in him and he suddenly felt off kilter.</p><p>“Do you want to talk about what happened with Billie and the Empty,” Sam asked when Dean remained silent.</p><p>“No,” Dean, the word erupted out of Dean, “I can’t …  not now…” and a single tear rolled down Dean’s face.</p><p>Sam nodded slowly.</p><p>“Oh God,” the words fell from his lips and he balled his hands into fists, “Oh God,”.</p><p>And then Dean was storming out of his brother’s room, ignoring the calls following him to his room and he was able to lock the door behind him before the dam of emotions he had been holding back for the better part of a decade collapsed.</p><p>And, with his head in his hands, Dean Winchester cried.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>XX</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>Dean Winchester did not leave his room for two days.</p><p> He had heard Sam’s laugh of pure disbelief when Eileen has crashed through the front door on the first day. He had stayed in hermit mode. He had heard Sam talking louder than normal, in the way he usually did when he was excited.</p><p>He was happy that they had managed to find their way back to each other after everything. And although he felt like a dick for not answering the door when Eileen had knocked that first night, he was not ready to be faced with such unadulterated happiness when it felt like he would never be able to drag himself out of the darkness that had settled within the four walls of his room.</p><p>So, for two days, he stared at the ceiling and the walls. And when he was in a particular mood to punish himself, he would roll over to the bedside table on the other side of the bed, where he kept a very small collection of photos. When he had originally moved into the bunker, the photos were of his blood family, but in the years since he had added photos of his found family. There were photos of Bobby, Charlie, Kevin, Jack and … and Cas.</p><p>There were quite a few of Cas.</p><p>And Dean stared at them, smiling sometimes and crying at others. But one photo never left his hand.</p><p> A photo of Cas in a cowboy hat, staring at the camera with a slight flush of embarrassment. It had been the first case they worked since Cas got out of the Empty the last time. Dean had been so unbelievably happy at having Cas back, he insisted on taking photos of the angel. He joked it off at the time, telling Cas that they needed more photos of him for fake IDs. But it hadn’t been that. They had sat together in the Impala, Cas wearing the cheap cowboy hat and his trench coat, and he had looked so … undeniably Cas. And Dean had wanted to remember that, wanted to always come back to the joy he felt sitting in the car with the man he had lost and who had returned to him.</p><p>“<em>I’m your Huckleberry,”</em></p><p>So, Dean held on to the photo for nearly forty-eight hours. He ran his finger down Cas’s jaw on the page, trying to imagine the rough stubble instead of the glossy page. Trying to hold on to the memory of the warmth he had felt that day, of that feeling of being reunited with Cas.</p><p>And that’s when it hit him. Dean bolted upright. Cas had already been in the Empty, but he had found his way back to Dean. And if this time he couldn’t find his way back, Dean would follow him there. He shook his head to try organizing the thoughts that were now jumping like rapid fire through his brain. He would get Cas back. He had to. He would do anything. He would do <em>everything</em>. He just needed a plan.</p><p>So, that is how after two days of silence Dean found himself knocking on his brother’s door in the middle of the night… again.</p><p>Sam opened the door faster than Dean was expecting, he must still have been awake, and he heard a small gasp coming from inside the room.</p><p>“Dean, you look like shit” Eileen said plainly.</p><p>Dean cracked a small smile, the first one in days as he watched her.</p><p>“Eileen it is so good to see you. I’m sorry that I haven’t you know…” Dean gestured lamely. Eileen smiled, walked up to Dean and hugged him really tightly. Dean’s throat tightened at the gesture as he hugged her back and planted a friendly kiss to her head.</p><p>“I understand,” Eileen said kindly, “If it were me…” she trailed off, eyes darting to Sam, “I can’t imagine what you must be going through”.</p><p>“Well, I won’t be going through it long,” Dean said as he pushed past Eileen and moved to the center of Sam’s room.</p><p>Sam raised his eyebrows in questioning, Eileen remained quiet.</p><p>“I’m going after Cas. Drag his ass back to where he belongs” Dean said simply, and the fact that he had something to do already lifting some of the heaviness inside him.</p><p>Sam and Eileen looked at each other and then broke into identical smiles.</p><p>“What?” Dean asked, “What am I missing?”</p><p>“We thought you’d say that” Sam said, walking to the table in the corner of the room and grabbing a file from his desk.</p><p>“I still don’t understand,” Dean breathed as Sam walked back towards him a plunked the file in Dean’s hands.</p><p>“We knew you’d want to save him. And we want to help,” Eileen said gesturing to the file in Dean’s hand.</p><p>“You what?” Dean asked disbelieving, staring at the both of them.</p><p>“Better yet, we have a plan,” Eileen smiled and tapped the pages.</p><p>Dean looked at Eileen’s grinning face and then looked his brother in the eye.</p><p>“I’m going to… we’re going to get him back?”</p><p>“Dean, you’ll get to make the choice. I swear,”</p><p>And as Dean thumbed the corners of the folder, he felt something small flicker inside him, something that did not feel like the uneasiness and emptiness he had felt since Chuck. But instead, the feeling felt warm and light. The feeling felt a lot like hope.</p><p> </p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I finished this a little earlier than I thought. Hence, the early update. But to stick to the schedule, I will post the next chapter on Sunday.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. I'm Coming, Wait For Me</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Sam calls for re-enforcements, Dean gets an unexpected gift and Cas struggles with the Empty induced sleep.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Dean would not call what Sam and Eileen had a plan exactly. It was mostly a collection of notes, questions and lore. But, as he rifled through the folder, it looked like the beginning of something. Frustration at the size of the task ahead of them and without Cas there to calm him down, Dean’s factory setting of anger took over and “Not much of a plan Sammy,” fell out of his mouth before he could stop himself. Sam looked visibly taken aback by the edge in Dean’s tone. A flash of hurt ghosted over Eileen’s face.</p><p><em>‘Fuck you, you idiot. They are trying to help and have done more than you have in the past two days’,</em> the thought popped into Dean’s very tired brain.</p><p>“Sorry,” Dean muttered, avoiding eye contact with both of them.</p><p>Sam pulled the file from Dean’s hand gently.</p><p>“We’re not going to get anything done tonight,”</p><p>Dean started to protest but Sam stopped him by placing a hand on his shoulder.</p><p>“Hey man, you look like crap. You’ve barely eaten or slept in days. Remember what you told me way back when we got abducted by all those gods? You told me I was no use to you burnt out. And you were right.  You’re no use to Cas if you don’t look after yourself, you get that right?”</p><p>“I don’t.. I can’t… I can’t do nothing while he’s rotting in there,” Dean whispered. Fuck, he was so tired of talking about all of this emotional crap. Fuck, he was just so done with feeling them too. He wanted a plan. He wanted to punch something. Or shoot something. Or hopefully both… multiple times.</p><p>“You’re not doing nothing,” Eileen says softly, “you’re getting yourself battle ready.”</p><p>“Uhm, yeah okay, yeah,” Dean grunted out.</p><p>“Okay, so its three forty-five now.” Sam says after pulling his phone from his pocket, “lets re-group at 8h30?”</p><p>Dean nodded, holding on to the feeling of hope, although it had dulled a little. He left his brother’s room sending a prayer to an angel he hoped could hear him.</p><p>
  <em>I’m coming Cas, just wait for me.</em>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>XXX</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>Dean had tried to sleep. He really had; he may even have succeeded for two hours (non-consecutively) but the kind of sleep Sam wanted him to get evaded him, his dreams haunted by long tendrils of black ooze.</p><p>That is why, when Sam and Eileen walked into the kitchen, arms around each other at the exact specified time the next morning, they were greeted with a very big breakfast spread and Dean pouring coffee into three mugs.</p><p>“Dean?” Sam asked,</p><p>“Trying to stay busy,” he responded, the tone not inviting any questions.</p><p>“What about sleep?” Sam asked, apparently not getting the memo about the questions.</p><p>“This is turkey bacon,” Dean said pointedly ignoring Sam, “and this is the good stuff”. Dean was pointing at another plate loaded with bacon and winking at Eileen.</p><p>Eileen smiled gratefully and grabbed a plate, Sam followed suit and Dean sat down with his coffee.</p><p>“Where’s yours?” Sam asked pointedly.</p><p>“Not hungry,” Dean shrugged.</p><p>Sam and Eileen shared a look that was so pointed, that Dean cleared his throat.</p><p>“I’m fine,”</p><p>“You’re not,” Sam retorted, but it was not a challenge – merely a statement. Dean shrugged and sipped his coffee, watching the steam curl around his vision the way the empty had curled…</p><p>Dean stopped the train of thought and closed his eyes.</p><p>“Hello!” A cheery voice pulled Dean back into the present. And standing there, as if he had been doing that the whole goddam time, was Jack with his hand lifted in greeting.</p><p>“Jack!” Sam called so enthusiastically that he started choking on the turkey bacon. He was out of his chair and wrapping the kid – or god now – in a bear hug, still slightly coughing. Sam clapped him on the back affectionately, and Jack looked up at him, an innocent sort of affection radiating from him.</p><p>“Hey kid,” Dean grunted as he got up and ruffled Jack’s hair, “we missed you.”</p><p>“I have missed you all,” Jack admits, eyes darting automatically to the place at the table Cas usually sat and his shoulders sagged. Dean slung his arm across Jack’s back and hugged him slightly and looked at the empty space that had caught the kid’s attention.</p><p>“What are you doing here?” Dean asked as he returned to his coffee, only taking the cup when he was sure the steam tendrils were gone.</p><p>“Sam called,” Jack answered simply.</p><p>“You heard my prayer?” Sam asked, smiling at his surrogate son while holding Eileen’s hand under the table.</p><p>“I’ll always come when you call,” Jack said simply, and Dean’s heart swelled up. The words so like the ones Cas had said to him so long ago.</p><p>Everything was reminding him of Cas. He needed to get a fucking grip and he needed to do it quickly.</p><p>“Thanks buddy,” Sam smiled and gesturing to an empty seat next to Dean for Jack to sit.</p><p>“What can I do for you?’” Jack asks, smiling shyly at Eileen as he took his seat.</p><p>“We want to get Cas out of the Empty,” Dean said plainly, downing the coffee and immediately refilling his cup.</p><p>“Of course,” Jack said, and something in his tone made Dean look up. “But, I’ll be honest. I’ve been trying and haven’t had any luck yet.” Dean stared at Jack; the poor kid looked like a puppy awaiting a reprimand.</p><p>“You’ve been what? How?” Sam asked, immediately going into research mode.</p><p>“I’ve been trying ever since the whole thing with Chuck, but I can’t seem to get in. I don’t have any sway there, and ever since I took on this “godhood” it’s like my soul and my grace has merged into something greater than both but no longer either… so I can’t even get in on a “visitors pass” like Cas did when he went looking for Ruby.” Jack had a small frown on his forehead, and he was fidgeting with his thumbs.</p><p>“You tried to get into the Empty on your own?” Sam asked, research mode quickly oscillating to dad mode.</p><p>“Yes, I can only get into the outskirts. But it’s kind of like a moat around the actual Empty, I could hear some of the thoughts of those on the other side, I could hear their dreams, but I couldn’t see anyone. I did…” Jack stops up short and furtively glances at Dean.</p><p>“You what, Jack?” Dean asked.</p><p>“I did find Cas’ empty vessel in the outskirts,” Jack finished his earlier thought.</p><p>Dean’s breath hitched and Sam’s eyes widened in disbelief.</p><p>“You have…” Dean asked dumbly, and he tried very hard to bring his breathing under control.</p><p>“I don’t know how he got his body back last time,” Jack says, annoyance clear in his demeanor, “but vessels can’t pass into the Empty. It’s only the life force that passes through. So, his vessel was there, on the outskirts.”</p><p>“Where is he now?” Eileen asks, looking at Jack.</p><p>“I’ve put him somewhere outside space and time. A little pocket I carved for him. I healed his vessel and am keeping it safe for when he comes home,” Jacks glances between Sam and Dean, “was that the right thing to do?”</p><p><em>“When” </em>and not<em> “If”</em>. There was something about Jack’s confidence that leaked into Dean. Fueling the ember of hope Sam had planted last night.</p><p>Jack looked nervous, still glancing between the Winchester brothers.</p><p>“Yes Jack! You absolutely did the right thing,” Sam smiled at him. Jacks returning smile was so big that it lit up his entire face.</p><p>“Can you bring him here though?” Dean surprises himself by asking.</p><p>“To the Bunker?” Jack asks.</p><p>“Yeah, when he wakes up, I want him to be with us,” Dean offered as an explanation.</p><p><em>‘I want him to wake up and see me. I want him to be with me immediately after he sets foot back onto this plane’ </em>a small voice inside him corrected the statement.</p><p>“He should be where he is loved,” Eileen agrees, her eyes dancing to Dean. Dean pretended not to notice and stared at his coffee very intensely, as if the color itself was the most endlessly fascinating thing he had ever seen.</p><p>“Okay, I can do that.” Jack agrees.</p><p>“Now?” Dean asked a little too quickly, three pairs of eyes landing on him.</p><p>“Yes,” Jack said plainly, but his eyes held a tinge of confusion. Dean was a little confused too. But right now, there was nothing he wanted… no <em>needed</em> …more than having Cas near him, even if it is just his empty vessel. A body, not Cas. </p><p>“Where…?” Sam asked.</p><p>“My room” Dean responded firmly. Sam and Eileen nodded, and Jack again looked at Dean with confusion coloring his eyes.</p><p>“Put him in my room Jack, please” Dean asked quietly, looking at the floor.</p><p>“He’s there,” Jack said simply, smiling at Dean.</p><p>Dean had never run so fast in his life. And that includes the time he was being chased by a pack of werewolves with no back up when he went on a solo hunt in his teens.</p><p>“What is going on with Dean, is he alright?” he heard Jack ask Sam and Eileen. Dean was in his room with the door closed behind him before he could hear either of their responses to the question.</p><p>And there he was. Unnaturally still, eyes closed and deathly pale. But some part of Cas was here with him. Dean walked over to the side of the bed and dropped to his knees, placing his palm on Cas’ limp hand. Dean traced the shape of his fingers, tried not to think about how fucking <em>cold </em>his hand was underneath. Just traced the shape of his hand over and over, tears spilling from his eyes.</p><p>Dean remembered that Cas once told him that there was a connection between an angel and his vessel, and it suddenly gave him an idea. He repeated the Enochian incantation Cas had used to call Raphael nearly a decade ago. It had been one of the first times he had heard Cas speak his native tongue, and it had affected him in ways he would never admit out loud. But he had spent hours repeating the scene over and over, watching Cas’ lips form the words, listening to the low rumble of his voice sounding out the syllables. No, there was just no way Dean would ever forget those syllables. He just hoped that the connection would reach past this life and into the Empty.</p><p>“Cas, Cas I hope you can hear me.” Dean’s voice quivered, he checked behind him quickly to make sure Sam hadn’t silently slipped into his room. He wiped the tears trailing down his cheeks with the back of his hand and cleared his throat.</p><p>“Baby,” the word slipped out, soft and unfamiliar. Dean’s whole body ached.</p><p>“Cas, baby, please don’t be gone. Wherever you are, please be okay. Please don’t … Please don’t leave me. I’m coming to get you okay? Cas, I’m coming please just… I’m coming, wait for me.”</p><p>There was a soft knock on his door, Dean jumped back from Cas.</p><p>“Come in,” he called, his voice deep.</p><p>Both Sam and Eileen inhaled sharply when they saw Cas. He really did look like what he was right now… a corpse.</p><p>But just for now. Just for now.</p><p>Soon, he would be back. He would be there, the body below him alive with life, glowing with angelic grace. Dean would ensure it. If it was the last fucking thing he did, he would ensure it.</p><p>“Okay,” Sam said, breaking the silence, “ready to strategize?”</p><p>“I was fucking born ready,” Dean answered, his eyes never leaving Cas’ body.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>XXX</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>Cas was not sure how he knew he was sleeping, but he knew... Maybe it was because he had been here before, experienced the Empty induced dreams before…. But unlike last time he knew exactly where he was. He knew he was dreaming, and he knew why he was dreaming. But he could not wake himself up. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Try as he might, he could not wake up. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>He also was not sure how long he had been here. Time, like in Heaven and Hell, moved differently here. It could have been an hour; it could have been a century. And not being able to follow the passage of time was unnerving. Was Dean still alive? Was he on Earth? In Heaven? Was he alone? Did he survive Chuck? </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Does he exist in some form still?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>The questions plagued him, weighing heavily, but he never got any answers. Just relived his memories in dream form. Stuck in this stasis, never moving forward, never finding peace or closure. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>He did this for seconds, for eons, living his life again and again. Agonizing over the face of his son, his friends…his Dean. He spent minutes or years reliving the last encounter he had with the righteous man he loved more than he had ever believed he would be able to love someone. He saw the disbelief in his face, the confusion there. He hears Dean’s near silence at his confession louder than any other memory. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Cas stays there. Cas stays stuck. Cas watches over and over again.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>And then without warning, the scene itself is altered. While Cas is reliving his last moments with Dean for the infinitieth time, instead of him pleading with Cas not to do this, different words leave his mouth:</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Cas, baby, please don’t be gone. Wherever you are, please be okay. Please don’t … Please don’t leave me. I’m coming to get you okay? Cas, I’m coming please just… I’m coming, wait for me.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Cas feels as if every part of him is frozen as the unfamiliar words flow in that painfully familiar voice. He had never heard Dean say those words. Was this a memory? Was he altering a memory by giving dream Dean the words he needed to hear? Was it actually Dean? </em>
</p><p><em>Cas was still asleep, Cas was still dead but for the first time since he came here, he felt… </em>something.</p><p>
  <em>“I’m here Dean,” Cas whispered as the one dream bled into the next. Dean already dissolving in front of him.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I will always wait for you,”</em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thanks for reading :) x</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. I Will Leave a Light On</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Dean, Sam, Eileen and Jack finalize and execute their plan.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Not sure how to do trigger warnings exactly, but Sam does confront Dean on his suicidality reckless behavior in this Chapter.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Strategizing was a very fraught process that lasted much longer than anyone had expected. Sam’s anxiousness was exacerbated by his brother’s deteriorating physical and mental state. Dean was almost impossible to be around, but Sam had not wanted to leave him alone either. Dean was distant, moody and snapping at everyone. He never left Cas’ side, even sleeping on a dilapidated couch he had dragged into his room that first night. Sam, however, doubted that the sleep he was receiving was in anyway restful. He had spent his entire life with his brother and was very familiar with the drawn look that etched itself into Dean’s face when his dreams were twisted into nightmares.  After the circles under his eyes darkened alarmingly, Sam basically refused to leave Dean’s side. He knew he was annoying his brother, Dean’s very pointed and obvious eye rolls sent a clear message, but Sam knew that Dean tended to get reckless when he was in this state. And seeing as Dean was insisting on being the one who would have to venture into the Empty, Sam needed to ensure Dean was in the right mental space for this. He would not lose his brother due to Dean’s tendencies to disregard his own life if it meant saving someone else’s. Not after everything they have been through.</p><p>So, Sam stayed with him, always playing devil’s advocate when Dean suggested plans, always asking about Dean’s safety. And, without fail, Dean scoffed every time Sam shut down a plan when it seemed too risky. But Sam had held his ground and refused to let Dean attempt any halfcocked plans much to Dean’s annoyance.</p><p>Before Dean had come to Sam and Eileen and told them of his plan to save Cas, Sam had found some information in the Men of Letters archives of a dimension called <em>the Void</em>. Based on the notes and lore in the files, the Men of Letters had actually gotten information on the Empty but had just called it something else. Apparently back when the bunker was fully operational, when a certain wood nymph had been around, the Men of Letters multidimensional telescope had been able to see into the Empty. In fact, quite a few of the members back in the day had spent a lot of time studying <em>the Void</em> so there were tons of handwritten notes (some in difficult codes) and there were also letters from different Men of Letters chapters in various languages. From what Sam could tell, some members had even attempted to enter the dimension, but very few were successful and of those that were, very few came back. They had spent the first week deciphering as much as they could. As they uncovered more and more lore, the information started making less and less sense and Dean was becoming increasingly hostile. Sam hated seeing his brother in pain and hated more that he could do nothing to ease his suffering.</p><p>They worked non-stop for that week, sleeping in shifts but mostly staying awake from a seemingly endless supply of caffeine. And, although the work was difficult and slow, by the end of the week they had an actual plan. They knew a potion that could get one of them into the Empty and a symbol that could be used on a life force within the Empty that would enable passage back outside. The only thing they were struggling with, the last piece of the puzzle, was how they would actually find Cas once someone was within the inner boundaries of the Empty. Last time Cas had been in, when he went to find Ruby, the Empty had specifically woken Ruby up. Considering that they did not want to wake the Empty up again or let it know what they were doing, this was not an option this time around. Dean was happy with only two thirds of a plan, and Sam was sure that if he hadn’t stopped his older brother he would have barreled in already.</p><p>So that is how after eight days of intense planning Sam and Dean found themselves having the same argument every few hours.</p><p>“Fuck it, I’ll just run in screaming his name until he hears me,” Dean says downing a fifth of whiskey.</p><p>“That’s not very stealthy Dean,” Sam countered, “you could wake it up again…plus it is a literal endless void, you could be running around forever.”</p><p>“I’ll run around forever if I have too,” Dean shrugged.</p><p>“Well, if you’re running around forever who’s going to get him out?”</p><p>“I’ll call for him, while I’m running,” Dean countered weakly, restating the previous argument with no better logic. Sam could tell by the look on his face that Dean did not really have a plan, he just wanted to get moving.</p><p>“He’s asleep Dean, he probably won’t hear you,” Sam half shouted.</p><p>“Probably, but he could potentially hear me. We don’t know for sure.”</p><p>The brothers were in Dean’s room. Dean on his couch, staring at Cas’ lifeless body and Sam standing in the doorway.</p><p>“Unless we can guarantee your safety, you are not doing this.” Sam says after a while, surprised by the authority and surety in his own voice.</p><p>“The fuck are you talking about? Of course I’m doing this, it doesn’t matter if I’ll be safe or not!”</p><p>“No Dean,” Sam looked at his brother whose eyes were now glowing with rage.</p><p>“I’m not going to let you just leave him…” Dean growled, jumping into a standing position.</p><p>“Of course we’re not leaving him,” Sam interrupted, “but unless you stop treating this like a kamikaze mission, I’ll be the one going into the Empty and not you.”</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>XXX </strong>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>Dean could not believe what he was hearing.</p><p>“What?” was the only thing he could say, staring at his younger brother who held his gaze evenly.</p><p>“You heard me,” Sam said leaning heavily onto the doorframe, arms crossed over his chest.</p><p>Dean scoffed and rolled his eyes, which he had been doing a lot of recently, “Yeah right.”</p><p>“No Dean I am being dead serious, you’re scaring me, whenever you lose Cas you become reckless… suicidally reckless… and I can’t just sit…” Sam inhaled sharply. The sound caught Dean’s attention, and he focused his gaze on his brother’s face, which was pulling tight.</p><p>“I can’t just sit and watch you do this to yourself okay? Dean, I <em>need</em> you. We came so close to losing each other and I just… I need you. I need you to stay with me and if you go off into the Empty without giving a fuck about getting back…” Sam exhaled and ran a hand over his face before pinching the bridge of his nose, “I can’t do this without my brother”.</p><p>Dean was immediately thrown back to the conversation they had had right before he had almost sealed himself away in a malik box. He could see the desperation in memory Sam’s face reflected in the actual Sam’s face. He could see his brother fighting back tears.</p><p>Dean took a very deep breath, “Yeah okay, Sammy.”</p><p>Sam looked at him, pain still evident in his eyes.</p><p>“You’re right. I just, sitting here with him like this… It’s difficult to not feel like a failure, you know? And I hate the idea of him being there, being out of reach.” Dean whispered softly sitting back down and leaning his head on the back of the couch.</p><p>“Dean we will get him, we just need to make sure we have a solid plan. One where we can get you both back.”</p><p>“We might finally have it,” Eileen calls from somewhere behind Sam. Sam and Dean both turn to look at her. Eileen smiled softly as she walked into the room and sat down next to Cas’ vessel on Dean’s bed.</p><p>“Jack,” she called and suddenly, the blonde boy-god was in the center of the room.</p><p>“Hello,” he says in greeting, right hand lifted in that familiar way of his.</p><p>“So, Jack and I have been thinking,” Eileen starts, “about the time Cas went into the Empty to see Ruby.”</p><p>“The demon Sam had been involved with,” Jack offers for clarification, as if anyone there was not very aware of the situation. Sam was honest to god blushing and pulling at the collar of his shirt.</p><p>“Yes that one,” Eileen coughed.</p><p>“What about it?” Dean asked, his heart hammering in his throat.</p><p>“Jack siphoned his life force, so that he could get in.”</p><p>“Yes but we don’t need a way to get in?” Dean asked, confused.</p><p>“Yes but that’s not the point we were thinking about. We were talking particularly about the siphoning. And what else one could potentially siphon. Well, one being Jack of course,” Eileen replied.</p><p>“Uh, what? I still have no idea what you’re saying?” Dean said, eyes darting towards Sam who looked just as confused as he was.</p><p>“Okay, yeah it’s a little confusing. Let’s backtrack,” Eileen clarifies. She runs her hand through her hair as her face scrunches in concentration.</p><p>“Okay, Sam do you remember telling me about the demon that was harvesting souls?”</p><p>“Uhm, yeah?” Sam replied, obviously just as confused as Dean with the sudden change in direction.</p><p>“Well, when the souls got loose, they went back to their bodies right? Like long distance magnets?” Eileen says, resolve settling on her face as she became clearer on what she wanted to say.</p><p>“Yeah, the second they left those containers.” Sam agreed.</p><p>“Yes, well Angelic grace does the same thing. Well, it could technically, with the right spell,” Jack said plainly.</p><p>“So, if we took some of Cas’ grace with us into the Empty it would take us too him?” Sam asks, realization dawning on his face.</p><p>Both Eileen and Jack nodded eagerly.</p><p>“That’s all good and well,” Dean stated, “but last time I checked Cas didn’t just leave an ‘in case of emergency’ grace stash.</p><p>“Well, not purposely but he did.” Eileen said, smiling at Dean, “You.”</p><p>“Come again?” Dean huffed.</p><p>“When Cas raised you from hell, he stitched your soul back together and in order to do that he had to infuse it with his grace.” Jack explained.</p><p>“That’s what you meant by syphoning,” Sam said, and Dean could see the puzzle pieces falling into place. Dean’s heart went into overdrive. This could actually work.</p><p>“Yes,” Eileen nodded, “Jack would siphon Cas’s grace from your soul. And then we can put it into an amulet or something that would then lead us to him”.</p><p>“Would it hurt Dean?” Sam asked just as Dean was about to insist they get this show on the road.</p><p>“Sammy, man come on. I..”</p><p>“Shut up Dean” Sam said without looking back.</p><p>“No,” Jack says simply, “Think of the grace as stitches, Dean’s soul healed a long time ago, so he no longer needs it.”</p><p>Sam nodded, “Okay I can get on board with this. Guys, this is a fantastic plan.”</p><p>“Don’t sound so surprised,” Eileen teased, walking up to Sam. Dean watched as his brother pulled her close to him, wrapping her in his arms.</p><p>“I’m not,” Sam said as he smiled into her hair, “you’re one of the smartest people I know.” Eileen titled her head to look at Sam and she kissed him quickly and softly. Dean cleared his throat and Sam rolled his eyes. He stopped kissing her, but he kept his arm around her shoulders.</p><p>“Awesome, so can we do this?” Dean asked as his eyes twitched towards Cas.</p><p>“Yes,” Jack said beaming, and both Sam and Eileen nodded enthusiastically.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>XXX</strong>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>Exactly two hours later, Dean was pulling a necklace with an amulet glowing with Cas’ grace over his head. He had felt weird after Jack had pulled Cas’ grace from his body, it had not been painful exactly, but Dean did definitely feel as if something was missing.</p><p>The plan was this: Jack would take Dean and Sam to the outskirts of the Empty after Dean downed the potion that would grant him entry. Sam would open a fissure that led into the Empty using a spell from the archives. Dean would then go in and use the amulet as a compass to find Cas. Once he found Cas, he would do a variation of the spell he had used in Purgatory when Bennie had hitched a ride back topside, and then head back towards the outskirts where Sam would be flashing a light Jack had made, one that could pierce through the Empty’s nothingness, as a guide back. Jack would then return the four of them back to the Bunker. As soon as they were back, Jack would be able to transfer Cas’ energy back into his body.</p><p>“Ready?” Jack asked kindly.</p><p>Dean turned to look at Sam and Eileen and gave them a small smile as he finished drinking the purple potion thing Sam had cooked up.</p><p>“Yeah kid, let’s do this.”</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>XXX</strong>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>It was probably a testament to the fact that Chuck was no longer writing their lives, as for once the plan went off without a hitch. After entering the Empty, the amulet around Dean’s neck had lifted in the air and immediately started pulling Dean in a direction. And Dean had focused on that. He had never been claustrophobic, but the complete darkness felt like a weight on him. He was grateful for the occasional flash of light behind him, a reminder that his brother was there with him and would be his guide back. Dean followed the angelic compass. He ran for what had seemed like an hour (although he couldn’t tell exactly) when the amulet suddenly plunged down and froze, a couple of inches away from Dean’s body.</p><p>
  <em>Cas</em>
</p><p>The grace had started glowing brighter and brighter until suddenly, in a bright burst of light, Cas was at Dean’s feet his life force taking the form of his current vessel, the one back in Dean’s room. But as Sam had suspected, Cas was asleep. Dean had flinched, scared that the light had woken something up. So, he worked quickly: saying the spell, carving the symbol on both Cas’ and his arm. Dean felt giddy when he saw Cas’ life force enter his arm and the amulet fell back to his body. He turned in the direction he came from and sprinted flat out to the flashing light.</p><p>“<em>Hang on Cas, we’re going home.”</em></p><p> </p><p>
  <strong> <em>XXX</em> </strong>
</p><p> </p><p>By the time the four of them were back in the bunker, Dean felt as if he had just run a marathon. Which, he may as well have. His arm, where Cas was, was burning hot.  Sam was back next to Eileen, their arms around each other.</p><p>“Okay, lets do this,” Dean said, his voice shaking. Jack walked towards him and smiled as he closed his one hand around Dean’s arm and the other around Cas’s vessel. Dean felt Cas’ energy leaving him and then a second later, Cas’s entire body seemed to light up from within. There was a beat and Cas suddenly inhaled sharply.</p><p>It was the single most beautiful sound Dean had ever heard. Painful relief flooded through his veins.</p><p>“Cas?” Dean dropped to his knees at the side of the bed, placing his hand on Cas’ forehead, reveling in the warm, very much alive, feel of the skin under his palm and counting each of the angel’s breaths.</p><p>“Cas?” Dean asked a minute later, when Cas had not yet opened his eyes.</p><p>Another minute.</p><p>“Cas?” The relief was turning to ice in Dean’s veins. He placed both his hands on either side of Cas’ face and shook the man gently.</p><p>But Cas did not stir.</p><p>Dean felt a new wave of wild terror threaten to drown him. He swiveled and turned to the other three members of his family:</p><p>“Why isn’t he waking up?”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Thanks for reading :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Say Something</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you so much to all of you who have read, commented and left kudos. I really appreciate it and I am so grateful that you have spent your valuable time reading this :).</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Why isn’t he waking up?” Dean repeated the question, his hands curled into fists at his side.</p><p>“Jack?” Sam asked quietly from across the room, as his arm visibly tightened around Eileen.</p><p>“I do not know,” Jack said simply, his voice low and his eyebrows drawn.</p><p>“You’re God now, can’t you just wake him up?” Dean asked, desperation turning the edges in voice sharper than he had intended.</p><p>“Well, yes and no,” Jack answered moving to stand over Cas. Dean watched as Jack placed two fingers to Cas’ temple.</p><p>“He’s in there,” Jack said plainly, “both his life force and his grace are intact.” And Dean had to admit that Cas<em> looked</em> very much alive: color painted his features, he twitched restlessly in his sleep and Dean could very clearly hear his breathing.</p><p>“So why isn’t he waking up?” Dean asked for the third time. Feeling increasingly panicky, “Angel’s don’t need sleep.”</p><p>“The Empty is still in his head,” came Eileen’s soft response.</p><p>Three heads turned to look at her and Eileen exhaled audibly.</p><p>“I saw something in the records. About some experiments the Men of Letters did with demons.”</p><p>“What experiments?” Sam asked her, frowning.</p><p>“Some of those who ventured in to the Empty, ventured in with a demon captive. It was only done three or four times ever because most members were hesitant to go there. They mostly did it through astral projection.”</p><p>“So, they took the demon spirit or life force with them in ghost mode?” Dean asked.</p><p>“Something like that,” Eileen replied, running her hand through her hair.</p><p>“And?” Dean asked.</p><p>“Well, it seems that every demon captive they took with fell asleep, like their life force fell asleep immediately upon entering the Empty. And even when they came back the demon never woke up. Nor the person they were possessing… They were alive, they just were not waking up. When they couldn’t find a way to wake up the innocent people being possessed after a few tries, they stopped the experiments. There was no real conclusion but a couple of the people working on it had a theory that once their consciousness was touched by the Empty, they got stuck with the side effects of being there. The Empty is a very old, very powerful cosmic entity, and it seems that once it touched a demon their consciousness was almost enslaved by it. And no one wakes up without the Empty relenting its grip.”</p><p>“But that’s demons right, not angels?” Dean asked after a beat.</p><p>“Yes, they never had any angels to test on. But it seems to reason that the effects would be similar as the Empty has a claim on both angels and demons after they die,” Eileen replied, sitting down on the couch that had been Dean’s bed for the past couple of days.</p><p>“But Jack, you’re God can’t you just remove the Empty’s influence,” Dean pleaded, hating how vulnerable he sounded.</p><p>“I have removed the physical influence,” Jack said, looking Dean directly in the eye. “But the grip is now psychological. Cas has been in this state for so long, he does not <em>realize </em>that he can leave now. I think that’s what happened with the demons too. The Empty doesn’t have influence outside of its plane, but in it, it is very strong. Strong enough to psychologically affect one even outside of the Empty’s realm of control.”</p><p>“Kind of like how circuses train their elephants.” Sam said, his features oddly blank.</p><p>“Elephants? What the fuck are you talking about Sam?” Dean snapped, “And when did you learn about psychology?” The second question directed at Jack, who just shrugged in a non-committal way and muttered something that sounded a lot like “I am literally God.”</p><p>Sam rolled his eyes at Dean, but responded, “Some circuses have this horrific practice when they need to train elephants that are bought for show purposes. When they are babies, they are tied to tree trunks and no matter how hard they pull or try to get loose they can’t because they aren’t strong enough when they are little. By doing this they are conditioned to think they can’t escape. So, by the time they are adults and totally capable of actually ripping a tree out of the ground, they don’t even attempt it because they assume they can’t as that’s what they’ve been made to believe.”</p><p>“That’s barbaric,” Dean huffed, “fucking humans, man.”</p><p>“No exactly. It’s horrible but smart because its how they get the animals to be submissive. It takes the fight out of them.” Sam continued.</p><p>“So basically you’re saying that the Empty is a tree?” Dean asked.</p><p>“It is a metaphor, I believe,” Jack said, looking conspiratorially at Dean, “but I can’t be certain.”</p><p>“Naturally, the kid’s not certain about metaphors but understands the psychological effects of cosmic entity torture techniques,” Dean muttered as he pulled his hand down his face.</p><p>Sam lets out a chuckle before replying, “Yeah. I think that the Empty probably does a huge show of force when new beings arrive so that they stop fighting. So, on the few occasions that some got out, their wills were so broken they just kept going on as if they were still in the Empty.”</p><p>“So, Cas thinks he is still in there.” Dean concludes.</p><p>Eileen, Sam and Jack nod.</p><p>“And the reason you can’t just snap him out of this is?” Dean asked Jack.</p><p>“I’m still very new to this and every intervention I do can have some unforeseen consequences. And I’m scared if I force him to wake up that something may go wrong. Like what if the shock sends him back to his ‘factory settings’ or what if he gets a fright and his true form bursts out and blinds you or…” Jack started, fidgeting with his thumbs.</p><p>“Yeah okay, that makes sense Jack,” Sam interrupted, while he walked over to the boy god, “it’s smart to be cautious.” Sam placed his hand on Jack’s shoulder and smiled at him.</p><p>Dean wanted to agree but everything inside him felt like it was on fire. He was so <em>close </em>and yet he still didn’t have him back. He was still on his knees next to the bed. Dean dropped his eyes back to the sleeping angel and he had to fight a very new and confusing urge to fit himself in next to Cas, to tuck his face into the crevice of the angel’s neck and relish in the feel of Cas’ skin against his cheek. Dean felt himself flush and then quickly shook his head, as if the action itself could clear the very perplexing thoughts currently short circuiting the wiring in his brain. The idea never left his head but seeing as it would be highly uncomfortable to climb into bed with his best friend while his son, his brother and his brother’s girlfriend are all within a two feet radius, he settled for placing his hand directly next to Cas’ on the comforter, their pinky fingers almost touching.</p><p>“Okay, luckily, this is something that we can do quite easily,” Dean said instead of agreeing with Sam.</p><p>“Yeah?” Sam asked, eyes jumping to Dean.</p><p>“African Dream Root,” Dean shrugged, holding Sam’s gaze.</p><p>Sam nodded, “Smart”.</p><p>Dean exhaled, glad that Sam was on board. He did not feel like arguing with him again.</p><p>“Awesome, we have some here in the bunker…” Dean trailed off, eyes flitting back to Cas’ face. He knew he was being pathetic, he <em>knew </em>it, but he didn’t feel like leaving Cas’ side even for the few minutes that it would take to gather the ingredients. He had hated leaving his side when Cas had been nothing but an empty vessel, but now that he was actually physically here, although admittedly unconscious, it seemed almost impossible to be separated from him. Like, if Dean walked outside, he would come back and see Cas dead again, his skin-tinged blue or worse, Cas would not be there at all.</p><p>Dean knew Sam would would have a lot to say if he voiced the thoughts out loud so instead, he opted for a cheap cop out.</p><p>“Jack, would you go grab the root? I’m a little tired from all that running around in the Empty and I’d like to just rest up a bit before I go walking around in Cas’ grapefruit.”</p><p>Sam shot him a disbelieving look that quickly melted into an infuriatingly knowing look. Dean glowered but didn’t rise to the bait Sam’s expression was dangling.</p><p>“Yes! Of course,” Jack said, smiling widely. But instead of walking out of the room and down the hall, the dream root just appeared in Jack’s hand.</p><p>Huh, this whole God thing had some perks.</p><p>Jack held out the plant to Dean, face full of pride. Dean tried desperately to avoid thinking of how much Jack’s face resembled that of a puppy who had just learnt to play fetch. That would basically be blasphemous right?</p><p>“I’ll get it ready,” Sam volunteered, grabbing the dream root from Jack and then walking up to Cas and plucking a hair from his head.</p><p>“I’m going in alone,” Dean said quickly, as Sam reached down to grab another strand.</p><p>“What? No, Dean…” Sam immediately countered.</p><p>“Sam,” Eileen calls pointedly. Sam looks at her and she starts to sign something to him. Dean was going to have to learn that language soon. Sam’s face pinched but he nodded at whatever Eileen had just said to him.</p><p>“Okay, I’ll give you an hour to get to him, but if you’re not back I’m coming in after you.”</p><p>Dean sighed in frustration, but he did not have the time or the patience to try haggle with Sam now, so he just gave a quick nod.</p><p>Sam left the room briefly to combine the ingredients with the dream root. When he came back with a glass full of the concoction, Dean’s stomach recoiled at the memory of the taste. But he reached out and downed the whole thing in one swallow.</p><p>“Sammy, not for nothing, but all of your potions taste like ass,” Dean said, barely stopping himself from gagging.</p><p>Sam scoffed, “I’m literally following instructions Dean.”</p><p>“Well, just saying, you could work on them a little.”</p><p>Eileen smiled into Sam’s arm for some reason Dean could not explain.</p><p>“Jack? Could you put me to sleep?” Dean asked as he flopped onto the couch.</p><p>“Of course!” Jack smiled. He walked towards Dean, sat down next to him and touched a finger to his temple.</p><p>“Bring him home,” he said simply. The last thing Dean saw was a light glow emanating from Jack’s fingers.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>XXX<br/><br/></strong>
</p><p> </p><p>Dean had known that this was a possibility, but it was still disconcerting to find himself sitting exactly where he had nodded off. If it weren’t for the fact that he was completely alone in his room, he would have been convinced that the dream root hadn’t worked. But he was. He was completely alone. His eyes twitched nervously to his now empty bed and felt his heartbeat pick up with the very evident absence of Cas.</p><p>
  <em>Don’t be a fucking moron, he’s safe. You are literally inside his head.</em>
</p><p>Dean got up and headed out the door, ready to start looking when a very familiar sound echoed through the halls.</p><p>
  <em>BOOM!</em>
</p><p>Dean’s blood ran cold, and his breath hitched in his throat.</p><p>No, no, no, no…. This could not be happening.</p><p>
  <em>BOOM!</em>
</p><p>Dean felt rooted to the spot, his arms shaking violently. Of course, of fucking course, Cas would be reliving this moment. Dean took a very deep breath and headed down the hall and towards the memory that had physically cracked his heart down the middle.</p><p>
  <em>BOOM!</em>
</p><p>As Dean had expected, Billie was standing outside the ‘dungeon’. Her fist colliding with the warded door the reason for the deafening sound playing through the Bunker.</p><p><em>‘She’s not real, but Cas is’ </em>Dean reminded himself. She paid him no mind as he walked past her and slipped through the door that was not warded against humans. Dean didn’t look back. And suddenly there he was.</p><p>
  <em>Castiel.</em>
</p><p>Dean felt as if he had just inhaled an entire tank of helium, even if all he could see was Cas’ back.</p><p>“I know how you see yourself Dean,” Cas started, and Dean snapped himself back. He couldn’t listen to this again. He barely survived it the first time. He cleared his throat loudly and hurried to Cas, very pointedly ignoring Cas’ dream version of him. The silence emanating from him was deafening.</p><p>Dean was definitely not ready for the effect of seeing Cas’ eyes would have on him. The relief felt like a wave, drowning out everything else except the sharp, crystal blue of the angel’s painfully familiar eyes looking at him. It took longer than Dean will ever admit for him to register the confusion on Cas’ face as he looked between Dean and the dream version of Dean.</p><p>“What’s happening?” Cas asked, his voice caused Dean to break out into goosebumps. Not that he would ever admit that.</p><p>“Hey Cas,” Dean said weakly, grabbing Cas by his shoulders, “Buddy this is a dream okay? You need to wake up. Please, I need….  I need you to wake up.”</p><p>Cas’ just stood there, looking at Dean intently and slightly cocking his head to the side.</p><p>“No,” he responded, “this definitely happened.”</p><p><em>BOOM!<br/></em>Dean felt his body tense up at the sound, even full well knowing Billie could not reach them here. Not <em>really. </em> </p><p>“Yes, this happened. But it’s not currently happening. You’re asleep.” Dean replied, voice rough as he held on tighter to Cas’ shoulders.</p><p>There was a beat before, “I’m in the Empty?”</p><p>Dean nodded, licked his lips and made a decision. Very slowly and deliberately he moved his hands up, never breaking contact with Cas, until he was holding the angel’s face in both his hands, reveling in the feel of the stubble under his fingers.</p><p>“You were,” Dean whispered, “We got you out. But you seem to be trapped in your head in the loops the Empty set out.”</p><p>Cas, eyes still shimmering with the unshed tears from the earlier interaction, looked directly into Dean’s eyes.</p><p>“You came for me?”</p><p>Dean nodded, slowly, eyes never leaving Cas’ face.</p><p>
  <em>BOOM!</em>
</p><p>“I’ve got you. You’re safe. But Cas, you need to wake up.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>XXX</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>Dean’s eyes shot open, his heart beating wildly in his chest. He was up and back on his knees at the side of the bed before he had fully regained consciousness.</p><p>“Cas?” Dean asked, completely ignoring the other three people in the room.</p><p>Cas stirred, eyes fluttered and very slowly started opening. Dean had to choke back a sob while his chest cracked open.</p><p>Cas shifted a bit, blinked as his took in his surroundings and then those eyes were on Dean.</p><p>“Hello, Dean.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Lost and Insecure</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you all so much for all the comments, kudos and hits! You have no idea how much it means to me. I love getting your feedback and any interaction literally makes my day. </p><p>I hope you enjoy :)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Cas was looking at Dean, was directly looking at him, and Dean was undone. He was coming apart, the seams ripping unceremoniously from the very fabric of his being.</p><p>He was on fire.</p><p>He was in pieces.</p><p>But most importantly, he was with Castiel.</p><p>“Cas?” The word, barely a breath, tumbled from his throat. Cas’ pale lips were melting into a smile and before Dean knew exactly what was happening, he had pulled Cas into him. The action was inelegant. It was frantic. It was a violent collision of chests and arms and a desperate grasping at anything solid. Dean needed proof that he was there, <em>needed</em> to feel the evidence of the angel’s existence.</p><p>It was euphoric.</p><p>It was too much.</p><p> It was not enough.</p><p>Dean eventually calmed down and gathered Cas close to his chest, buried his head in the angel’s shoulder and held on. He held on as if Cas were the last life preserver on a sinking ship, because if Dean was honest, that was exactly what the seraph was. And Cas was reciprocating, in both action and emotion. The arms around Dean’s shoulder and neck digging into his skin with the same desperate energy Dean felt leaking out of his very pores. Dean wanted to melt into Cas, wanted to feel him on every surface of his skin. A single tear slipped down his cheek as he moved one of his arms to touch the back of Cas' head. Dean didn’t move his hand, resisted the urge to run his fingers through his hair and memorize the texture, but he held on.</p><p>They held on to each other.</p><p>Dean was not sure how long they stayed like that, a frantic constellation of clinging limbs, but he did eventually hear his brother clear his throat.</p><p>Dean pulled back reluctantly and dropped his arms. He looked to Cas. He wanted to say something. He wanted to say everything. He wanted his words to be an avalanche that drowned Cas to make up for those crucial minutes in which he was silent. But instead, “How the fuck could you do that to me Cas?” erupted from him.</p><p>That was not what he had planned on saying. As in at all.</p><p>Cas’ eyes dulled a little, the joy and relief fading from his gaze. And Dean wanted to stop himself. He really did. He wanted to stop the venomous words suddenly exploding in his head, fighting their way forward. But he could not stop. And he was tired. He was tired of fighting the feelings. Tired of trying to control his emotions and thoughts.</p><p>So. Fucking. Tired.</p><p>So instead of trying to make sense of the hurricane currently tearing through him, he shoved off the bed and almost leapt to the other side of the room.</p><p>“Dean,” came Sam’s voice, low but clearly tinged with warning.</p><p>Dean ignored him, pinning his gaze on Cas whose arms were still slightly away from his body, reaching into the suddenly empty space in front of him, as if waiting for Dean to return to them. The moment had changed so quickly, slipped away from them. Dean had had so much he wanted to say, so many apologies to make, so much to confess. But with Cas safe, all he could think of was the anger. The hurt. The pain. Cas had pulled the rug right out from under him, and then just <em>left. </em></p><p>Cas had <em>left </em>Dean. Turned his world upside down and then checked out. Traded his life for Dean’s. As if his life was worth a fraction of the selfless and ethereal angel’s. Made the decision that Dean would be left without him. Made the decision for Dean. Without consulting him. As if Dean would ever be able to survive a world without him. Cas was his best friend. His anchor. His conscience. He was the goddam love of his life.</p><p>Cas was everything to Dean.</p><p>And when he went, Dean was left with nothing. And Cas had been the one to make that decision.</p><p>Dean was shaking so hard that his teeth were chattering.</p><p>“Dean, I did…” Cas started, and Dean repressed the urge to close his eyes and drink in the sound of his gravelly voice. Dean interrupted him,</p><p>“Shut up Cas. Just shut all the way up.”</p><p>Cas looked at him warily but did as he was told, as his arms finally lowered and settled at his side.</p><p>“Cas how could you do that to me? How dare you do that? How did you think… how could you think...? You were gone…” Dean’s voice was increasing in volume as his speech started decreasing in coherence.</p><p>“What is happening?” Came Jack’s soft voice from the side of the room.</p><p>Dean whipped his head to see the very evident confusion in the kid’s face. He even detected a hint of fear.</p><p>“I need… I need some air. I need,” Dean was out of the door before he could think twice. He turned back to face the room filled with the deathly silent members of his family. His eyes landed on Cas.</p><p>“You,” he said directly to the angel, “don’t go anywhere. No driving anywhere. No stores, no walks, no flitting off to the other side of the globe if Jack fixed your wings.” He was so tightly strung. Cas said nothing, just looked at Dean.</p><p>“Just… stay. Please,” his voice broke a little on the last word. Cas did not break eye contact as he nodded. Dean mirrored the gesture and then exhaled a little shakily, “I’ll be back.”</p><p>With those words he headed towards the garage, needing the open road.</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <strong>XXX</strong>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>The room was ghostly quiet for a full minute after the garage door swinging closed had been heard. Castiel felt cold all over as he dropped his head into his hands. Consequences were hard to face. When your consequence was Dean Winchester, the man you loved with your every cell and atom, it felt almost impossible to face.</p><p>“What just happened?” Jack asked again, his eyes wide.</p><p>“Jack?” Cas asked, looking at his son. His chest swelled with love and affection when his son looked back at him.</p><p>“Hi Cas,” Cas stood up and pulled his kid into a hug, tears threatening to spill as Jack buried his face into Cas’ chest. Jack was openly sobbing. A child reunited with a father who had been taken too soon. Castiel spoke to him in a soothing voice, murmuring encouragements until Jack started regaining his composure.</p><p>And then suddenly Eileen was gently removing Jack’s koala grip on Cas, bundling him under her arm protectively, as Sam surged forward and threw his arm around Cas and patted him on the back. When he pulled back, Sam was beaming, and Castiel felt a rush of fondness for the younger Winchester.</p><p>“It’s so good to see you my friend,” Cas said as he placed his hand on Sam’s shoulder.</p><p>“You too Cas. Our family isn’t complete without you.”</p><p>Castiel felt a confusing flash of emotions at the sentiment. He used to fear them, the emotions, but his time with the two hunters had taught him to embrace them. To feel all of it.</p><p>Cas smiled at Sam and turned to look at Eileen, who was rubbing Jack’s shoulder as he huddled against her. Castiel did not know her well, but he smiled warmly at her and she returned it.</p><p>“Welcome home Castiel,” she said.</p><p>Castiel’s eyes darted to the door, the last place he had seen Dean.</p><p>“Okay, so what happened?” Cas asked, not looking away from the door.</p><p>“Let’s make some coffee,” Sam said running a hand through Jack’s hair, the kid smiling fondly “and then we will tell you everything.”</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>XXX</strong>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>“And yeah, that’s when you woke up,” Sam concluded. Cas heard a catch in his voice, likely due to strain. Sam had been talking for a very long time. And although Cas had been paying very close attention to the story his eyes had, furtively but consistently, been jumping to the door leading into the kitchen. Dean had still not returned, and Cas did not like the idea of him being alone while being in the frenzied state he had left in.</p><p>“It seems like you have all had a very eventful couple of weeks,” Cas said into the lingering silence.</p><p>Sam and Eileen both let out humorless chuckles. “Yeah. Understatement of the century, I’d say,” Sam responded as he cleared the mugs from the table and started filling the sink with water.</p><p>“Thank you,” Cas said, “Thank you, all of you, for coming for me.”</p><p>Sam turned to face him, his hands coated in soapy bubbles, “Of course man. But we both know who spear headed that mission.”</p><p>Cas looked down at his hands as he tried to avoid replaying Dean’s hasty exit in his mind. He wasn’t exactly sure what he had done wrong. He wasn’t sure why Dean had gone from holding onto him as if he were the only source of oxygen in the whole world, to cold and brimming with anger. But he hated it. He knew he should ask Sam more questions about Chuck. How were they planning on keeping an eye on him? Were there any loyalist angels in Heaven that might pose a threat to them? But instead, all he could think of was Dean. The way he had looked at him when the Empty had come for Cas and the way he looked as he had fled out of the room mere hours ago. He wanted to talk to him. He ached to talk to him.</p><p>He closed his eyes and exhaled slowly.</p><p>“Well, I’m beat.” Eileen said. “I’m going to shower and head to bed.”</p><p>“I’ll join you shortly baby,” Sam mumbled, kissing her temple after he finished drying his hands. She walked towards Cas and gave him a friendly side hug, “I’m glad you’re back where you belong.”</p><p>“Thank you,” Cas said sincerely, “Sleep well.”</p><p>“Come Jack,” Eileen said, “Let me show you all the movies we bought for you. They’re in <em>the Dean Cave.</em>”</p><p>“Do you have Moana?” Jack asked, his eyes lighting up, “I really like Hay-Hay the chicken. He makes me laugh,”. Eileen smiled as she nodded. Jack jumped up, hugged his two dads, and then followed Eileen out.</p><p>“Huh, God’s watching Moana,” Sam said incredulously. Cas smiled, “He’s right. Hay-Hay is very entertaining.”</p><p>When the two were alone, Sam sat down across from Cas as he placed two beers on the table. Cas automatically reached for his but he did not take a sip, just fidgeted with the label: <em>El Sol.</em></p><p>“Dean’s favorite,” Cas smiled.</p><p>“Yeah, he won’t let me stock any other type anymore.” Sam said fondly.</p><p>Cas laughed lowly.</p><p>“Dean. He seemed,” Cas started, after the two had sat in silence for a while, “he seemed angry.”</p><p>“You may have noticed that anger is Dean’s default response to traumatic events. It’s a coping mechanism. It’s not how he really feels,” Sam said not making eye contact with Cas.</p><p>“Yes, but I said some things that could potentially make him angry,” Cas said. Just because finally admitting to Dean that he was in love with him was his ultimate happiness, his definition of unadulterated bliss, it did not mean that it was what the hunter had  wanted to hear. Cas may still be learning about humans and human emotions, but Metatron had put enough stories about unrequited love in his head for him to understand what Dean was going through. Dean was probably angry that Cas had admitted it, had changed their friendship, had added another layer of complication to his life. But Cas could not bring himself to regret his decision. Would never be able to. It had been as if a weight had lifted off his chest, a very heavy weight that had been dragging him under since he first touched Dean in Hell. A weight he wouldn’t trade for anything because it had meant being in Dean’s life, but he did not want to be held down anymore, he wanted to live his truth and cherish it. But Cas could explain to Dean that he didn’t need anything from him. He never had. He didn’t need Dean to reciprocate, wanted it sure, but he didn’t need it. He would stay by his side for as long as Dean would have him, with no expectations.</p><p>“You barely managed to say anything before he left,” Sam’s voice pulled him from his thoughts.</p><p>“No, not then. When the Empty came for me. I had to say things in order to summon it. Things that probably should have been said differently, things he didn’t want to hear,” Cas clarified.</p><p>An unreadable look settled on Sam.</p><p>“Sam?”</p><p>Sam looked at Cas, obviously debating something with himself. It was quiet for a while before Sam finally seemed to come to a decision.</p><p>“Okay, I’m not comfortable talking about Dean when he isn’t here,” he started. Cas was about to interrupt Sam, but the younger Winchester held up his hand to cut Cas off, “but I think you need to know this.”</p><p>Cas settled himself and nodded at Sam.</p><p>“Whatever you said, and I still don’t know because Dean refused to talk about it, didn’t make him angry Cas. It devastated him. I didn’t realize how much at first, I think the mission kept him focused, but as soon as Chuck was dealt with… Dean broke. I have never seen him like that. And I slept in the bed next to his when he came back from literal Hell,” Sam sighed as he rubbed his neck, “It started like the other times. But there was something so concrete this time, something so visibly wrong…”</p><p>“Other times?” Cas asked.</p><p>“Yeah Cas, the other times we lost you. That’s when Dean breaks. You’re his breaking point. That’s always been the case Cas, he’s always wrecked. He withdraws into himself, pushes everyone away, gets suicidally reckless. He’s always wrecked but this time he seemed wrecked and… I guess, haunted.””</p><p>“Haunted?”</p><p>“Yeah, man. Whatever you said to him never left him. Not for a minute.”</p><p>They were both quiet.</p><p>“Cas, you’re my best friend,” Sam said, smiling softly, “but you can’t leave him like that again. And I do appreciate that your sacrifice made it possible for us to win. I do, believe me. But Dean needs you in a fundamental way. More than he needs me, I think. And although that’s probably not healthy, after all the trauma he’s been through, I think it’s understandable.”</p><p>Cas felt floored, this conversation was not what he had been expecting at all.</p><p>“I need him too,” he finally admitted.</p><p>Sam nodded and the corner of his mouth lifted in a half smile, “You two have a lot to talk about.”</p><p>Cas hummed his agreement and took a sip of the now room-temperature beer.</p><p>“I’m going to go check on Jack,” Sam said eventually, downing the last of his beer, “maybe watch the last bit of Moana with him.”</p><p>“I’m going to wait for Dean,” Cas said standing up. He had been planning on heading to the library.</p><p>“You can wait in his room; you’ve practically been living there. Well, your vessel at least,” Sam said, as he grabbed a bag of pre-popped popcorn from the cupboard.</p><p>“Yes, why is that?” Cas asked, in the flurry of activity he had forgotten to ask how he had ended up on Dean’s bed.</p><p>“Well Dean insisted. The second he found out Jack had your body. And he never really left you alone once you were there,” Sam shrugged and headed for the kitchen door.</p><p>“Oh and Cas?” He called, “We never had this conversation okay?”</p><p>“Yes we did,” Cas responded, confused.</p><p>“Yes, I know, but Dean doesn’t need to. Not right now at least,” Sam said. Cas smiled weakly at him and then Sam was gone.</p><p>Cas walked to Dean’s room and registered the couch for the first time. As he walked over to it to take a seat, something on Dean’s side table caught his eye. Cas inhaled sharply when he saw a picture of himself in a cowboy hat staring back at him. The edges of the photo were bent and the image itself creased in multiple places, as if someone had been constantly holding it, worrying it, fidgeting with it.</p><p>Cas felt a lump in the back of his throat, turned away from the photo and sat down on the couch that smelled very much like Dean.</p><p>And he waited.</p><p>He waited for another two hours before Cas heard the garage door closing and heavy footsteps padding down the hall.</p><p>“Cas?” Came Dean’s voice, tense and uncertain.</p><p>“In here,” Cas responded and seconds later Dean was standing in front of him. He looked chaotic bordering on manic: his eyes were bloodshot, his hair wild, his flannel creased and there were dark stains on his jeans. He looked frenzied and disheveled.</p><p>But still beautiful. Still Dean Winchester.</p><p>“Dean,” Cas said, blue eyes boring into green ones, “we need to talk.”</p><p>Cas expected a fight, expected Dean to flip him off playfully and say that they were fine. Dean did not act as had Cas expected. Instead, he walked straight towards him, pulled Cas into another hug and replied, “Yeah man. We really need to talk.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>The original hug scene in this chapter was inspired by a Misha Collins Cameo that has been circulating on TikTok. In it, he was asked what he would have liked for the Dean and Cas reunion. His response was that he would have liked to have seen "the most authentic and loving hug". </p><p>Hopefully, I did not screw it up too badly.</p><p>Have a great week ya'll! :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. I Will Find a Way to You if it Kills me</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Dean was still hugging Cas, had been hugging him for longer than was technically justifiable, but he seemed unable to pull his arms back. Moreover, Cas was not complaining, in fact, Cas was holding him too, his face pressed into Dean’s shoulder. And Dean wanted to melt into the moment, to tumble the two of them back onto the bed, draw Cas in and <em>sleep. </em></p>
<p>Well, he wanted to do more than that. A whole lot more than that if he was being honest.</p>
<p>But not right now. Not today. He hadn’t slept though the night for weeks, his evenings fraught and alive with anxiety and pain, and he somehow knew that if Cas were next to him, the angel’s light would chase away those dark demons crawling in his mind. But he would not go to sleep without having this conversation. Dean knew that it had been a long time coming and besides, it was time to end what Sam had called “the dance” the two had been doing. Dean was tired of circling; he was ready to dive in.</p>
<p>Slowly, and very reluctantly, Dean pulled away from Cas. Dean slid his hand up from Cas’ back and silently ran his hand up Cas’ neck, reveling in the feel of his pulse, the reminder that he was alive. His hand continued his journey until he had Cas’ face cupped in his hand. Following the instincts he had forced into dormancy so for so many years, he slowly swiped his thumb across Cas’ cheek. The feel of the angel’s skin electric against the pad of Dean’s calloused thumb. Cas leaned into the touch, gently and hesitantly, eyes never leaving Dean’s. The angel’s eyebrows were slightly furrowed, he was obviously not able to make sense of Dean’s whirlwind of emotions and actions today. Dean exhaled; he was not being fair to Cas. He did not want to cause the angel emotional whiplash, they needed to clear the air. Dean dropped his hand and Cas made a soft sound of protest that cascaded through Dean, warming, and comforting him. Dean smiled reassuringly at Cas as he took a step back and sat down on the foot of the bed. Dean gestured to the couch, and Cas followed his lead, sinking into the cushions.</p>
<p>“So,” Dean started, but then got stuck. How on Earth was he supposed to start this, voice these thoughts? He had spent the better part of the past four decades avoiding any situation that would require this of him, literally only ever tapping into this side of him when the world was fucking <em>ending. </em>Or he was fucking <em>dying. </em>And even then, he still did not always get to say what he wanted to, and often needed to say : a part of him always on guard, keeping his walls up. He had no idea how to talk about things of this nature when the stakes were not apocalyptically high. So, he started with that,</p>
<p>“In all honesty, man, I have no idea how to start this conversation,” Dean grimaced while pulling at his hair, “and there’s just been so many fucking emotions and feelings and shit over the last couple of weeks and that shit’s just not my game. It’s never been, and I can barely make sense of any of it.”</p>
<p>Dean flicked a glance to Cas. The blue eyes were boring into his, a glacier of undivided attention. Dean felt itchy all over. His tongue felt swollen, cutting off the words that were hesitantly trying to leave his mouth. Dean closed his eyes and counted to five then opened his mouth again, trying to hold on to the resolve that he had felt entering this room.</p>
<p>“Would it help if I started?” Cas asked, voice low. Dean opened his eyes and looked at Cas again, the itchy feeling returning.</p>
<p>“You have more to say?” Dean asked, his voiced laced with genuine curiosity, “after everything, that speech, or more like what happened with Billie, in the dungeon and …” Dean babbled.</p>
<p>“Yes, I have more to say,” Cas said plainly, stopping Dean.</p>
<p>“Yeah okay, tell me,” Dean conceded, happy that he did not have to speak anymore.</p>
<p>“Dean, I want you to know that I regret nothing. All the choices I made; I would make them again. In a heartbeat.” His eyes were steely, very clear and his gaze pinned Dean, “I would do it again. And I meant everything I said in there. I am not going to deny that or try walk it back. Being able to finally live that part of me was the happiest I have ever been in my very long life Dean.” Dean’s heart was hammering in his chest, the sound almost deafening. Dean tried to speak, but to his utmost horror he found himself paralyzed in his silence… <em>Again.</em></p>
<p>No, please no, not again. Cas could not be the only one talking again.</p>
<p>Cas was watching Dean closely, eyeing what must be a very confusing blend of emotions on Dean’s face.</p>
<p>“But, I want you to know that I also meant that my happiness wasn’t in the having. I am very happy Dean, elated, overjoyed to just be in your life. To be a friend to you. To get to learn from you. I do not want you to think that this has to change us. I don’t need…” Cas continued.</p>
<p>“But I need it.” Dean interrupted him, his voice finally coming back to him, as he watched the anxious movement of Cas’ eyes, the weary set of his jaw.</p>
<p>Cas inhaled sharply at Dean’s words. Dean shook his hands at his side and then brought them down and held onto his own thighs, fingers digging in sharply through the denim.</p>
<p>Dean looked at Cas, and Cas looked confused but there was a very clear sheen of hope coating his gaze.</p>
<p>
  <em>Fuck it.</em>
</p>
<p>“Cas, I need you.” Dean started, and suddenly the barrier that had been silencing him for so long crumbled as he looked at the angel who had died for him. And then, Dean found that he could not stop talking.</p>
<p>“Cas. That’s it. I’ve needed you for so long, longer than I even admitted to myself. And at first I thought it was in the same way I needed Sam, because that’s the only way I’ve ever needed anyone. But I started realizing that it was more than that. I started realizing this slowly, and mostly when I’d been drinking. And just when I was starting to understand what I felt for you… Lucifer killed you. And you were just gone. And it felt like I had lost a part of me, like an arm or a leg, something I fundamentally did not know how to live without. You were gone, and I was off balance. And I just kept reliving that moment over and over. It was one of the worst things that ever happened to me. I lost you. I lost myself. You’re my compass Cas. Not a moral compass but you keep me from getting lost in all the darkness that has been infiltrating my life for as long as I can remember. You point me in the direction that allows me to be myself, to not get stuck in my sinister tendencies and coping mechanisms. You’re my lighthouse Cas. My guide. And it was so dark when you were gone…. But then when we got you back. And the joy I felt in just <em>being </em>with you, near you… but I couldn’t focus on it because  then we had the kid, and the next mission in the apocalypse world and Michael and ...” he trailed off. Dean eased up on the pressure he was using to dig his fingers into his lap.</p>
<p>“And I kept telling myself that we’d have time after this all ended, when we could talk, and I’d have more time to understand what all of this meant. What exactly you meant to me. But there was just never an <em>after…”</em></p>
<p>Dean’s eyes were burning, and he blinked as two tears brimmed over.</p>
<p>He laughed lowly, “there just never seems to be an after.”</p>
<p>“Dean,” Cas said. And Dean looked up from his hands and watched Cas intently.</p>
<p>“So, if there’s no after. We need to plan for that, Cas. No more deathbed confessions or realizations. No more hiding behind the world ending event of the week.  And I wish that I were better with words. I wish I could explain this in a way that even touches… I wish I could even understand…” Dean dropped his gaze again, staring had his hands which were now clasped in front of him.</p>
<p>“Dean,” Cas repeated, his voice forming the syllables of his name with such reverence, that Dean’s chest ached.</p>
<p>Dean took a deep breath and, following the same instinct that had had him cupping Cas’ cheek earlier, got up from the bed and dropped to his knees in front of Cas, planting his arms on either side of Cas’ lap. Dean looked up at Cas, “And I should have said it years ago, I know that … I know that now, but I didn’t know how to say it, or when to say it. Even after everything… after everything we’d been through, I couldn’t find the courage… I could hardly admit it to myself. Could not admit that I needed you, that I wanted you around, wanted to love you and be loved by you. But, I can now. I understand now.  Castiel, I love you. Of course, I love you man. You mean everything to me Cas, everything. And I would die for you and I would live for you. And I’m sorry that I never said it before. I’m sorry that you died three times without having heard it. But I’m saying it now. I’m so stupidly, irrationally and probably co-dependently in love with everything you are.”</p>
<p>Dean’s voice was barely above a whisper by the end, but it seemed to echo in the otherwise deathly silent room.</p>
<p>Cas waited for exactly two heartbeats after Dean finished speaking before sliding off the couch to join Dean on the floor, but still bracketed by Dean’s arms. The new position had Dean’s hands on either side of Cas’s head, but still gripping on to the couch. Cas gingerly lifted his own hands, placing them on Dean’s waist. Dean inhaled at the touch, even if they were separated by layers of flannel.</p>
<p>“Dean Winchester. I need you and I love you. With all that I am. Whatever is left of me is yours. For as long as you’ll have me,” Cas said staring at him. There was a beat.</p>
<p>And then the angel and the hunter crashed into each other, and at the first moment Dean’s lips touched Cas’ lips, a supernova of colors erupted behind his eyes. He lifted his hands from the couch, and cradled Cas’ face with one hand and buried the other in the hair curling at the nape of Cas neck.</p>
<p>This. This is what he’d been hoping for. Been yearning for even when he hadn’t know it. And it was so much better than he could have ever imagined. Cas tasted like both rain and sunshine. His lips fit with Dean’s; his hands fit in the space above his waist. <em>They fit</em>. Dean’s tongue teased at the seam of Cas’ lips and when the angel parted his lips in invitation, Dean was home.</p>
<p>The kiss deepened, became more frantic, become a mess of moving arms and legs, reaching and grasping all in an attempt to get closer, closer, closer. When Dean’s head started spinning, he reluctantly pulled away from Cas to draw in a few very deep breaths in rapid succession. Cas used this opportunity to attach himself to Dean’s neck, licking his way up his throat until he reached his jaw. Dean was panting again, eyes rolling back in his head as Cas gently tugged Dean’s earlobe with his teeth.</p>
<p>“I plan on getting very well acquainted with those teeth,” Dean said a little breathlessly. Cas laughed softly and placed a kiss in the hollow behind Dean’s ear.</p>
<p>“We probably have more to talk about,” Dean said eventually, at this point almost fully sitting in Cas’ lap.</p>
<p>Cas nodded, tracing one of Dean’s eyelids with his finger, “but not tonight.”</p>
<p>“Yeah?”</p>
<p>“Yeah, Dean. You’re exhausted,” Cas’ finger dropped to ghost over the shadows beneath Dean’s eyes. The touch so gentle that Dean’s throat constricted.</p>
<p>The adrenaline rush of the conversation and the kiss was slowly starting to recede, and exhaustion seeped into Dean’s consciousness. He yawned as he climbed off Cas and immediately missed the reassuring feeling of physically touching the angel. He pulled Cas up after him and threw his arms around him again and for a while the two stood still, just holding each other.</p>
<p>“Come,” Cas said eventually, pulling Dean towards the bed.</p>
<p>“Hey uh, Cas, would you stay?” Dean inwardly cringed at how shaky his voice sounded.</p>
<p>“Of course, Dean.”</p>
<p>Cas and Dean both stripped down to their boxers before Cas climbed into the bed and gently pulled Dean in after him. Dean was almost asleep the second his head hit the pillow. The last thing he felt was Cas pulling Dean into him, fitting his chest to Dean’s back.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Hi all! </p>
<p>Thank you so much for reading, and continually commenting and leaving kudos. Any interactions with this story warms me up inside. And it's heading into winter in the southern hemisphere, so the extra warmth is appreciated.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Everything I Hold Dear Resides in Those Eyes</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hey all :)!</p><p>So this chapter is some schmexy times. Not too explicit, obviously, given the rating. However, if this is not your thing then please feel free to skip this chapter. </p><p>Thank you again to all those who've left kudos on this work! And particularly to those who have let comments, it really makes me so unbelievably happy.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Dean,” an urgent voice murmured in his ear. “Dean, wake up,” the voice seemed more urgent, and this time it was accompanied by a shaking that jolted Dean awake. His eyes flew open as he jerked up, the sheets of his bed pooling around his waist. His heart thumped wildly and painfully in his chest.</p><p>It was very dark in his room, so dark that he could barely see the outline of the pillows below him.</p><p>“Cas?” Dean whispered, uncertainty doing weird things to the cadence of his voice.</p><p>“I’m here Dean,” came the angel’s reply as he placed his hand on Dean’s shoulder. Dean was suddenly very distracted by the feel of Cas’ skin on his. With the lack of sight enhancing his other senses, Dean could feel every inch of Cas’ hand, feel each individual groove of his fingertips. Dean resisted the urge to lean into the touch and demand more.</p><p>“What’s happening? Did you wake me up?” Dean asked, stifling a yawn and running his hand through his hair.</p><p>“Yes, you were having a nightmare,” Cas replied softly, the sound of his voice warmed Dean from the inside. Dean flushed instinctively and tensed, embarrassed at having had Cas see him in such a vulnerable manner - all his defenses down. Cas, obviously having sensed the rigidity, started withdrawing his hand from Dean’s shoulder. The thumping in his chest escalated at the thought of not having Cas’ hand on him. He knew that he wanted to let Cas in, he just had to get used to the idea that vulnerability did not mean weakness. Not when it came to this angel. Dean darted his hand out and stopped Cas’ retreat. He pulled the angel’s hand back toward him and lower than the original position, placing it over his heart. Cas shifted closer to him, draping his other arm across Dean as well, covering the expanse of his shoulder. Cas used the fingers on the hand Dean had placed over his heart to gently tap out the rhythm of the human’s heartbeat. Dean tried not to think about how much safer he felt having Cas this close. He also avoided analyzing why the gentle taping of the angel’s fingers on his chest seemed to soothe his racing pulse. He avoided thinking about all of it, just felt it. Experienced it, experienced Cas in this new way.</p><p>There was a long silence, neither of the two uncomfortable, both just happy to be this close to the other. Dean eventually stilled Cas’ fingers and twined his own with the angel’s and gave Cas’ hand a gentle and affectionate squeeze. He turned his head and could just barely make out the angel’s profile in the near blinding darkness. Dean did not like not being able to see Cas’ eyes then. The deep blue shade of them having become one of the touchstones of his own sanity. He reached past Cas, shivered as his arm grazed across Cas’ chest and turned on the bedside lamp. The sudden flash of light burned Dean’s eyes a bit, and he blinked them a couple of times as he adjusted. The light was not glaringly bright, and when Dean’s vision came back into focus, his room and his angel were both bathed in a warm, intimate glow.</p><p>Dean drew back, deliberately dragging his arm across Cas this time, chasing the feeling of skin on skin. He moved Cas’ hand from his chest and placed it on the side of his throat as he lay back down. His one arm propped below his head and the other grabbing Cas’ arm and pulling him down. Cas did not say anything but conceded to the unasked request, eyes never leaving Dean. He mirrored Dean’s position, one arm pillowing his head, but kept his other arm stretching the distance between them, his hand on Dean’s throat.</p><p>“There he is,” Dean whispered, a ghost of a smile pulling at his lips as he ran his index finger down the length of Cas’ profile. The angel’s eyes fluttered at the gesture and made a breathy sound. And in turn, the angel very slowly brushed his thumb over Dean’s Adam’s apple. Dean felt his breath hitch in his throat. This felt raw and exposed in a way he could never remember being.</p><p>“What were you dreaming about?” Cas asked, lazily drawing pictures with his thumb on Dean’s neck. But Dean could see the worry there: the slight furrow of Cas’ brows, the searching look in his eyes.</p><p>“You,” Dean admitted, the lowly lit room making him feel confident enough to be honest. “You were gone again. And I kept trying to get to you, but no matter what I did… I kept watching you disappear over and over again.” Dean stopped himself from continuing, his voice already shaking. Tears burned in his eyes and he swallowed heavily against the thick feeling forming in his throat. Cas’s hand stilled as he moved himself closer to Dean. Cas moved his hand down and splayed it across Dean’s chest. Dean felt the tears brimming as the remnants of his nightmares flashed in his mind.</p><p>“Dean, look at me.” The hunter hadn’t realized he had closed his eyes, so he opened them, and Cas was looking at him with a ferocity that was overwhelming in both its novelty and its intensity.</p><p>“I want you to hear what I am saying now,” the angel continued. Cas pushed Dean, turning him slightly so that Dean’s back was flat on the mattress with Cas’ hand still firmly planted on the hunter’s chest. And with the momentum he lifted himself up and swung his leg over Dean’s legs, straddling him. Dean suddenly felt unable to move, pinned by Cas’ gaze, voice and body. Cas lowered himself until he was leaning on his forearms which were framing Dean’s face. The action grazing their naked chests together. Dean’s vision blurred as the sensation of so much <em>skin</em>. He thought he heard Cas make a desperate hissing sound. Dean lifted his hands to run it over Cas’ back, tracing every ridge of his spine with one hand and then the other. He closed his eyes again, trying to memorize the feel of the hard muscles on the angel’s back, to engrain the exact texture of Cas skin into his brain.</p><p>“Dean, look at me.” Dean did as he was told. And Cas looked at him with the same ferocity and this time it made him feel like something alive was writhing under his skin.</p><p>“I’m here Dean. And I won’t leave you again. I’ll never leave you.  I swear it.” Cas’ voice filled the room, the sentiment making Dean feel as if his cobblestone heart was being cracked open.</p><p>“Cas, don’t… don’t make promises you can’t keep.” Dean whispered, tears flowing freely down his face now. He dropped his gaze, but Cas grabbed his chin and forced Dean to look at him. Dean had no idea what he was seeing. A haunted, broken man? A failure? A wreck? A combination of all of these?</p><p>Dean tried to close his eyes again,</p><p>“No Dean!’” Cas almost growled and this time he leaned forward and kissed him gently. A brush of lips, a moment of shared air. When Cas drew away, Dean almost whined. Although he would never say that out loud.</p><p>“Look at me.” Cas ordered again. Dean did. He looked at him. Cas moved his fingers from Dean’s chin to the nape of his neck, running his fingers through the short hairs there.</p><p>“Dean. I will never leave you again. This, us. I will fight for this and fight to be right next to you for as long as you need me. For as long as you want me. You are the righteous man. The man I Fell from Heaven for, the man I rebelled for, the man I have loved long before I was able to put a name to the sensation. And if you want me to stay then I will.” Cas’s eyes were almost glowing. He looked holy. He looked ethereal. And Dean was falling apart below those eyes, the eyes of the man that he had loved and had lost. The man who had crawled home to him and who he would have moved heaven and hell to hold in the way he was now.</p><p>Dean slipped his arms from around Cas’ back and ran them up the angel’s sides slowly, maintaining the heated eye contact as his hands cradled Cas’ face and pulled him down so that their lips were mere millimeters apart,</p><p>“So, stay Cas,” Dean whispered into their shared space, “And don’t ever leave me again. I will not be able to survive it. Stay. Stay with me in this life, and in the next.”</p><p>And then they crushed together - teeth and tongues and lips moving in an ecstasy of fumbling. Dean’s hands slipped down again, trailing Cas’ back until they landed on the angel’s ass. Cas groaned at the contact and Dean felt a manic possessiveness bubbling inside him. He wanted to be the only person who heard that sound, the only person who got to feel Cas this way. Dean pulled Cas in by his ass. The movement caused a friction that had Dean choking. With nothing but the barrier of their respective boxers between them, Dean thought he might explode when he felt Cas’ length hard against his own.</p><p>Cas had moved his arms and were trailing them down Dean’s chest, agonizingly slowly.</p><p>“Cas, baby, come on.” Dean panted, wanting Cas to manhandle him a little more.</p><p>“Don’t rush me,” Cas chastised, pulling Dean’s arms away from his ass and shoved them against the headboard. Dean cursed at the show of power, and found he was unable to move his hands from where they were.</p><p>Cas dropped his head and licked up Dean’s neck. He gently tugged Dean’s earlobe with his teeth. “I have waited for this for over a decade Winchester,” Dean shuddered as the voice ghosted across his ear, “I want to savor every moment of this. I want to remember it with perfect clarity. I want to make you feel … everything.”</p><p>Dean’s entire body erupted in goose bumps, and his hips bucked up on their own accord. How did having something so holy in his sight make him want to do such filthy things.  Cas’ eyes glinted with mischief and adoration.</p><p>“You are mine Dean. In every sense of the word. And I am yours. You belong to me and I have always, always belonged to you.” Cas said between kisses and sinful licks down his chest and occasionally using his teeth. <em>Marking Dean. </em> Dean felt like he was going to pass out.</p><p>“I’m going to open you up slowly; I’m going to take my time getting to know your body as intimately as I know your soul.” Cas placed a kiss right in the center of Dean’s breastbone. And the sensation in combination with Cas’ words had tears streaming down his face. Cas let go of Dean’s hands and brought his own down to envelope his face. Dean placed his hands on Cas’ waist, reveling in the way his hand seemed to fit perfectly there.</p><p>Dean chocked back a sob as Castiel looked down on him, eyes so very clearly full of complete <em>devotion</em> and <em>love</em>.</p><p>“I love you, Castiel.”</p><p>“And I you,” the angel said.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>XX</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>Cas had made good on his promise.</p><p>The two had spent what felt like eons discovering each other. Hands, and lips tracing curiously over exposed skin. They spent ages worshiping each other with sensations and learning the map and the contour of the other’s body. And when Cas had moved inside Dean, Dean knew it was the closest he had ever come to an honest-to-god religious experience. Dean felt alive, he felt present, and it seemed that every press of the angel’s lips to his skin burned away a fragment of the years of pain that seemed to follow him like a shadow. He made noises he didn’t know he could make and drew sounds out of Cas that he thought would kill him. It was everything Dean could have hoped for, more than. And when they finished, it was with Cas staring deep into Dean’s eyes and his hand gripping tight onto Dean’s left shoulder, placed perfectly over the handprint that had connected them for this first time so long ago.</p><p>After, Dean lay with his head on Cas’ chest while Cas ran his fingers up and down Dean’s arm. Both men were breathing heavily.</p><p>“Well fuck,” Dean said into the silence, and a low chuckle escaped from him, he darted his eyes up to Cas and the angel was grinning down at him, amusement making his features seem softer.</p><p>“I am hoping that the profanity means you enjoyed yourself,”</p><p>Dean laughed, a genuine laugh, he felt freer and lighter than he had in years.</p><p>“I’ve heard that laughing is not usually considered a good thing after intercourse,” Cas said, looking unsure. Dean pulled himself up so that he was at eye level with the angel.</p><p>“Cas,” he said seriously, “that was unbelievable. The only reason I am laughing is because I am genuinely happy for the first time in so long.”</p><p>“You make me happy Cas. And you make me feel unburdened.”</p><p>Cas leaned forward and pressed a light kiss to Dean’s lips.</p><p>“So, you have no regrets then?” Cas asked, uncertainty still slightly evident in his voice.</p><p>“Cas, I could never regret you. Ever. You are the best decision I ever got to make.”</p><p>Cas was smiling in earnest now; his entire face was alight, and Dean’s heart stuttered in his chest. He made a vow to spend as much time from here on out, trying to illicit that smile from the angel.</p><p>“Come here,” Dean gathered Cas close in his arms. Cas started fidgeting with the amulet around Dean’s neck.</p><p>“My grace,” Cas said plainly.</p><p>“Yeah, I used it to find you,” Dean explained.</p><p>“Sam said so,” Cas said, still twisting the amulet.</p><p>“Cas, buddy, please never mention my brother’s name when you are naked and pressed up against me,” Dean chastised as he ran his hand through the angel’s hair.</p><p>Cas chuckled, “My apologies, Dean.”</p><p>Dean lowered his hand and started scratching down Cas’ back. Cas let out a low growling sound and Dean felt the angel harden against his hip.</p><p>“Already?” Dean asked, slightly incredulous, “What’s the refractory period for an angel?”</p><p>“I don’t think there is one,” Cas said as he started kissing and biting Dean’s neck again. Dean groaned at the sensation.</p><p>“Fuck, angel, you’re going to destroy me, aren’t you?”</p><p>Cas moved on top of Dean again, pinning him in place with his hips. He ghosted his lips over Dean’s chest and neck before breathily whispering in the hunter’s ear,</p><p>“Yes, Yes and I will have so much fun doing so.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. I Can Build Your Heart a Home</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Hi All!</p><p>I am posting this week's chapter a day early because I have a lot of work I need to do tomorrow and therefore, wouldn't be able to post it.</p><p>I hope you enjoy!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Dean awoke to the smell of bacon.</p><p>As far as awakenings go, this was one he could definitely get behind. He cracked open an eye, the lid still heavy with sleep and heard a very loud rumble emanating from his stomach. Dean was torn between warring instincts: to either stay right where he was, splayed out on his memory foam or to follow the heavenly scent of cooking bacon. The second rumble in his stomach was accompanied by a painful pang of hunger which seemed to be making up his mind for him. Dean closed his eyes and inhaled deeply, but this time there was another smell invading his senses. A smell that he knew belonged specifically to Cas. Dean bolted upright as the memories from the previous night flooded through him and a smile crawled slowly across his face. The smile froze halfway when he realized that he was <em>alone</em> in the bed. His heart started thumping wildly in his chest as he scrambled to his feet,</p><p>“Cas?”</p><p>His room was empty, and he tried very hard not to panic. Logically, he knew that Cas had to be here; that last night had not been a dream.</p><p>“Cas?” He said louder and he heard footsteps rushing towards him from outside. The door creaked open, and then Cas was there, standing in his boxers and one of Dean’s old t-shirts, holding out a cup of steaming coffee.</p><p>Dean flew across the room and wrapped his arms around Cas. He hissed a second later when the hot coffee that Cas had been holding spilled on to the bare skin of his stomach.</p><p>“Sorry,” Cas mumbled, moving slightly out of reach to put the mug on the coffee table. He returned to Dean.</p><p>“Dean, your heart is beating at an alarming rate,” Cas said, eyes widening slightly in concern.</p><p>Dean shook his head, “No, sorry. Its just..” Dean ran a palm over the bottom half of his face.</p><p>“Dean, are you alright?”</p><p>“Yeah, man. I don’t know sorry. I just panicked when you weren’t here. I was scared that…” the admission didn’t come easy, and Dean found that he could not complete it. But Cas understood, he moved back into Dean’s space and placed a reassuring hand on Dean’s arm.</p><p>“I am sorry to have scared you. I heard Sam in the kitchen, and I wanted to make sure he made you bacon. Not the fake-bacon. And I thought you would like coffee,” The angel said, tilting his head in the direction of the half-empty mug on Dean’s nightstand.</p><p>“You did… you did what?” Dean asked, more than a little shocked at the sheer domesticity of the gesture.</p><p>“Well, it’s been nearly thirty hours since you came back to the bunker. So, I imagined you would be starving when you woke up.”</p><p>“Well, you definitely had me working up an appetite,” Dean said slyly as he winked at Cas.</p><p>Cas smiled, a little shyly as he replied, “Well sexual intercourse does burn quite a few calories.”</p><p>“Definitely the way we do it,” Dean agreed laughing, he placed a chaste kiss on Cas’ temple.</p><p>“Wait,” Dean said, pulling away from Cas slightly to look him in the eye.</p><p>“Thirty hours? Did I miss a whole day?” Dean asked, trying to do the math. But his brain was not cooperating with him this soon upon entering consciousness.</p><p>“Yeah, you slept for most of it. I mean excluding our conversations and other activities,” Cas said, leaning over to grab the coffee mug and shove it into Dean’s hands.</p><p>“Holy fuck,” was Dean’s exceptionally witty response.</p><p>Cas smiled, “I’m glad you finally got to rest.”</p><p>Dean drank deeply from his coffee as he eyed Cas, who had moved to start making Dean’s bed. Cas, who was usually the picture of calm and serenity seemed to be very fidgety this morning.</p><p>“Cas, is everything okay?” Dean asked as the other man started straightening the already straight sheets.</p><p>“Yes, everything is perfect,” his eyes shot to Dean’s as he fluffed the pillows.</p><p>Dean downed the last of his coffee, grabbed Cas by the arm and fell back onto the couch, dragging the angel with him.</p><p>“Why are you fidgety?” Dean asked, who was practically sprawled out on top of him.</p><p>“I am not fidgety,” Cas countered, and Dean swore he could hear the angel’s eye roll.</p><p>“Yes, you are. I have seen you stand so still I have literally confused you for a statue, but you have not stopped moving since you got in here,”</p><p>Cas was silent for a moment,</p><p>“Cas. Its not… last night? Did you not…”</p><p>Cas whirled on Dean; eyes huge. He grabbed Dean’s face between his hands, “last night was unbelievable. It was everything I have ever wanted, more than I ever believed I had the right to experience.”</p><p>Dean flushed; Cas’ candor always seemed to have that effect on him.</p><p>“I was just concerned that you may have changed your mind. That you may regret anything from last night,” Cas finished.</p><p>“Cas I meant what I said, I could never regret you.”</p><p>Cas smiled openly at this and rested his head on Dean’s shoulder. Dean kissed the side of his face and trailed his lips lower slowly eventually attaching his lips to the juncture of Cas’ shoulder and neck.</p><p>“Dean,” Cas groaned, hips rolling forward. Dean smirked as he continued moving his lips on Cas’ skin.</p><p>A loud and angry growl punctuated the two’s heavy breathing.</p><p>“You need food,” Cas said, a little out of breath.</p><p>“I need you,” Dean countered, moving one hand inside Cas’ underwear. Dean grinned when he felt the angel was already half hard. He stroked once and Cas moaned lewdly above him. Dean lifted his head and nipped at Cas’ Adam’s apple.</p><p>“Dean, I told Sam you would be in for breakfast shortly,” Cas said, voice strained.</p><p>Dean stopped what he was doing and glared at Cas, “I told you not to mention my brother when you’re naked.”</p><p>“I’m not naked,” Cas countered.</p><p>“Well, I am, and I have my hand on your dick. That counts as naked adjacent… same rules apply.”</p><p>Cas laughed, grabbed Dean’s face in both hands and pressed his lips to Dean’s very briefly before hopping off of him.</p><p>“Come,” Cas said, reaching under the bed to grab Dean’s discarded boxers and throwing it at Dean.</p><p>Dean grumbled as he pulled them up.</p><p>“Before we go,” Cas said, stopping in the doorway, “I think I need to heal those.”</p><p>“Heal what?” Dean asked.</p><p>Cas gestured to Dean’s neck and chest. When Dean looked down, he could see that his skin was littered with small blue and red marks.</p><p>Dean laughed as he grabbed a shirt, “Nah.”</p><p>“Nah?” Cas said, the syllable sounding strange coming from his baritone voice.</p><p>“Nah,” Dean replied, “I like them.”</p><p>Dean slipped his arm around Cas’ shoulder and pulled them both towards the kitchen.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>XX</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>“And so, the dead finally rises,” Sam called jokingly as he spooned the bacon from the large skillet he was holding.</p><p>“Yeah, Yeah,” Dean grumbled. Cas smiled at the hunter, his heart feeling full. Dean scurried over to where the breakfast foods were on display. Sam had really gone all out and Dean was piling his plate high with food.</p><p>“Where’s Eileen and Jack?” Cas asked.</p><p>“Jack had to leave. Heavenly duties,” Sam said with a frown, “Eileen will be down in a sec.”</p><p>“Jack’s gone?” Cas asked.</p><p>“Yeah, I’m worried about him.” Sam said as he scratched the back of his head. There was a silence as the three men nodded. Dean had come to sit next to Cas. He scooped up eggs with a fork with one hand and placed his other hand on Cas’ thigh.</p><p>“I don’t like that he had to take on that responsibility,” Cas said lowly. Cas felt Dean squeeze his leg in agreement.</p><p>“I really don’t like that it took him away from us,” Dean added.</p><p>“He’s our kid man,” Sam said, his lips twitching, “and he really is just a kid.”</p><p>Eileen entered at that point, hair dripping against her long-sleeved t-shirt.</p><p>“What’s wrong?” Eileen asked as she saw different shades of regret painted across the three men’s features. “I thought you would be in a better mood given your recent sexcapades.”</p><p>Cas’ turned to her and he could feel Dean’s head shooting up next to him.</p><p>“What do you mean?” Cas asked. Dean stilled next to him.</p><p>Eileen walked over to the two and tapped lightly on a very distinctive bruise blooming behind Dean’s ear.</p><p>“Oh my god guys,” Sam said indignantly.</p><p>Eileen laughed as she walked to dish up breakfast for herself, stopping to kiss the top of Sam’s head briefly before grabbing a plate.</p><p>Cas tensed, waiting for Dean’s reaction. They hadn’t had the chance to talk about them yet, about what they wanted, what last night had meant. But to his utter relief, Dean let out a short but very real laugh and shrugged.</p><p>“Sammy, it’s a very natural, very beautiful act between consenting parties,” Dean moved the hand that had been on Cas’ leg and threw it across Cas’ shoulders. Cas almost jumped out of his own skin as Dean placed a very exaggerated kiss to his cheek. When Dean’s lips left his skin, he turned to look at him and Dean was beaming. Cas responded to the smile with his own, marveling at the fact that this righteous and beautiful green-eyed man was now his. That he got to experience this with him.</p><p>Sam rolled his eyes but whispered something that sounded a lot like, “fucking, finally”.</p><p>Eileen joined them at the table. Dean removed his arm from around Cas, but twined his ankle with the angel’s under the table. Cas loved that Dean seemed to constantly need to be physically touching him because he needed it too. The warm feel of his skin was a touchstone. A reminder that he was really here and that he wasn’t about to wake up and lose this.</p><p>“So, what had you guys looking so mopey?” Eileen asked as she took a sip of coffee.</p><p>“Jack,” Sam said as a means of explanation.</p><p>Eileen nodded. Cas guessed that Sam had voiced his concerns to Eileen before.</p><p>“Is there something we can do?” Eileen asked.</p><p>“Well, I’ve been thinking about it, but haven’t done a lot of research,” Sam said, “Getting Cas back was priority number one.”</p><p>“Well, what do you have so far?” Dean asked, inelegantly popping two pieces of bacon into his mouth simultaneously.</p><p>“So, I’ve been trying to think of ways that we can shift the power. Trying to remember any lore that came up when we were hunting Chuck. Because we know that the world needs that power to exist right? So, who or what do we transfer it to? What is strong enough to hold it and not get corrupted by that level of power. But I could not think of the answer,” Sam said, frustration clear in his voice.</p><p>There was a beat of silence, “What about Amara?”</p><p>Everyone turned to look at Dean. Cas felt un uncomfortable twinge in his side at her name leaving Dean’s mouth.</p><p>“Amara?” Cas asked, trying very hard not to remember the bond that Dean had shared with her.</p><p>“Yeah, couldn’t Amara be the new God?” Dean asked, “If she absorbs Chuck’s light that is in Jack right now, she wouldn’t be this destructive force, wouldn’t she? She’d be a balanced force.”</p><p>“So, Jack would be left solely with the Nephilim powers but none of the God juice,” Sam concluded, eyes wide.</p><p>“Could that work? Could he spit her out?” Eileen asked.</p><p>“He should be able to,” Cas replied.</p><p>“This is an actual plan, this is something that could work,” Sam said, eyes glowing. Cas darted his eyes to Dean who seemed to be thinking something over.</p><p>“It’s about time for God to be a woman,” Eileen said simply.</p><p>“That is a brilliant plan, Dean,” Cas said, a smile pulling at the corner of his lip.  He had never thought that he would get to have this again. To experience the complete bliss of having Dean and having his son back.</p><p>“Right, as long as he agrees to it,” Dean said, an unreadable look on his face.</p><p>“He will,” Sam said with conviction.</p><p>A flash of pain seemed to flit over Dean’s features. Cas looked at Dean, raising his eyebrows in question. Dean just shook his head and stood up to clear the table.</p><p>“Well right, how about we regroup in the war room in about an hour?” Dean asked. There was a murmured agreement.</p><p>“I need a shower,” Dean said, “Hey Cas, want to join?”</p><p>“Dude come one!” Sam shouted exasperated, throwing a wet dish cloth at his brother, “we have a communal bathroom.”</p><p>Dean laughed as he threw the dish cloth back at Sam.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>XX</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>Cas, much to Dean’s dismay, did not join him in the shower but rather waited for him in Dean’s room. To make matters worse, Cas was fully clothed up to the trench coat by the time Dean walked back in.</p><p>“I don’t like the idea of you being fully clothed in this room,” Dean grumbled as he dug through his closet for jeans and a flannel. He heard Cas chuckle softly behind him, and Dean grinned at the sound.</p><p>“We have other responsibilities today,” Cas said stoically, and Dean rolled his eyes.</p><p>“Yeah, yeah,” Dean conceded as he pulled on his boots.</p><p>“May I ask you something, Dean?”</p><p>“Yeah of course, man,” Dean said as he sat on the edge of the bed.</p><p>“What did you mean earlier when you questioned whether Jack would want this? You looked pained when you said it,” Cas asked, sitting next to Dean.</p><p>“You saw that, huh?” Dean asked, flopping onto his back on the mattress.</p><p>Cas lay down on his side next to him, eyes never leaving Dean’s, “I see everything you do.”</p><p>“I haven’t really been good to the kid you know? When we first met, recently… I don’t know. You can blame it on the rage, the situation, Chuck or John Winchester’s parenting style… but I haven’t really always done right by him. And I fucked up and I’m scared he won’t forgive me. And I want to do better you know? Be better.” Dean said. He turned his face away from the angel’s and stared at the ceiling.</p><p>“Dean, you don’t - ”</p><p>“No Cas, don’t try make this better okay? I let Jack down. I did. And it’s not like what I said is true. I told Sam that Jack wasn’t family. But of course he is, of course. I was just so blinded with rage and it…” Dean felt his throat tighten.</p><p>“Dean,” Cas said as he placed a hand on his heart, “you made a mistake. It was the end of the world. You can do better. The fact that you are so torn up by this is proof of that.”</p><p>Dean inhaled deeply, “I want to. I want to make it up to him.”</p><p>“So do it then,” Cas said pressing a light kiss to Dean’s lips, “let’s get our kid back.”</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I really wanted to address the way Dean had acted towards Jack in the final season. It was very out of character, in my opinion, and I do believe that Dean would want to make up for the way he treated our favorite Nephilim. </p><p>As always, thank you all so much for continually reading, leaving kudos and leaving comments. It never fails to make my day!</p><p>Have a good week everyone :) x</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. In the Middle of a Very Happy Ending</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Dean and Cas were already seated in the war room when Eileen and Sam walked in. Dean smiled at the two of them as they took their own seats. Dean thought, as he stared at the three members of his family, that he could get used to this. Could get used to the idea of a home full of people.</p><p>“Dean, why are you smiling?” Cas asked, eyebrows quirked.</p><p>“I’m just happy Cas. All of us, together, working to get the last member of our family back. I’m just happy man.”</p><p>Dean felt Sam’s gaze on his face, and when his eyes met his brothers’, Sam gave him a small nod. He understood. He felt the same way.</p><p>“Right,” Sam said, as he clapped his hands together and closed his eyes: “Jack, we really need to talk to you buddy. I know you were just here, but it would be great if you could come by. We won’t keep you long.”</p><p>There was a beat of silence, before a burst of fluttering wings echoed throughout the room.</p><p>“Hello,” Jack said, smiling, lifting his hand in greeting.</p><p>The three hunters and the angel jumped up and there was a flurry of hugs and hair ruffles. Jack beamed at them.</p><p>“It’s good to see you all, although it is much sooner than I had anticipated,” Jack said once everyone had taken their seats again.</p><p>“Yeah, we’re sorry about that, but we needed to talk to you urgently.” Sam said.</p><p>“Is everything alright?” Jack asked, eyes glancing to Cas, “nothing went wrong after we got you out?”</p><p>“No,” Cas reassured him gently, “nothing like that. I am completely fine and I’m home now. We just want the same for you,”</p><p>Jack cocked his head to the side, and Dean smiled at the gesture. The kid really reminded him of Cas.</p><p>“I don’t understand,”</p><p>“We want you to come home, Jack.” Dean said. Jack turned his gaze to Dean. Dean swallowed; he knew he would have to be the one to say that. He needed to be the one to say it.</p><p>“Jack, we know that in order to win this fight, you needed to absorb Chuck’s powers. I know, it was our plan. But it was a do or die situation, and we needed to end him. We <em>needed</em> to stop him. But that doesn’t mean we wanted it to work out the way it did. To have you be taken away from us, to have you be given this insane responsibility…” Dean broke off. His eyes darted around the room and saw the other three adults in the room nodding along.</p><p>“You’re a part of this family,” Dean said softly, wincing at the memories of the times he had let the boy down. He lowered his eyes and started fidgeting with a book that had been left discarded on the table.</p><p>“And if you want to… And if you want to be here with us. To live with us and let us raise you and look out for you the way they always had,” he said, pointing at Sam and Cas, “and the way that I failed to do. We would really like that.”</p><p>The room was deathly silent, and Dean cleared his throat, “I let you down Jack. I failed you as a parent and as a person who was supposed to care for you unconditionally. And I want to make up for it. I want to earn your trust back. All of us love you, all of us want you here with us.”</p><p>“You do?” Jack asked softly, and the uncertainty in his voice made Dean feel like a rib was cracking.</p><p>“Of course, you’re our son. However, you came to us, no matter what you did or we did. That won’t ever change.”</p><p>“Dean’s right,” Sam agreed, “we want to teach you about hunting and literature, we want to celebrate birthdays and Christmases as a family. We want a life with you, here, with us.”</p><p>“I really want to take you trick or treating,” Eileen called from across the table, winking at Jack. “Dress you up as an angel. Halo, harp, plastic wings the whole nine yards.”</p><p>Everyone chuckled at that.</p><p>“I love you Jack,” Cas said softly, “we all do. We want you here”</p><p>Jack looked at all of them and a huge smile lit up his face, “I want that too.”</p><p>“You do?” Dean asked as he walked over to the Nephilim boy, “with all of us?”</p><p>Dean placed his hand on Jack’s shoulder and looked him directly in the eye.</p><p>“Yes,” Jack said simply and nodded once, “I forgive you Dean.”</p><p>And then Dean pulled his son into his arms, hugging the child as tight as he could.</p><p>When he pulled back, Jack was smiling up at him.</p><p>“So, what’s the plan?”</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>XX</strong>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>“So, what do you think?” Sam asked as he finished reporting their discussion from earlier to Jack.</p><p>Jack was nodding slowly along.</p><p>“That could work,” he said, “she’s on board.”</p><p>“Huh?” Sam asked, looking startled.</p><p>“Amara is always with me, she’s a part of me now. I feel what she feels, she sees what I see. It’s symbiosis – not like possession.”</p><p>“And she’s not angry about Chuck?” Cas asked gingerly.</p><p>“No, she understands,” Jack replied, “She is disappointed in him. But she would protect the legacy he created before he forgot himself.”</p><p>“And are you sure, you’re okay with giving up that kind of power?” Cas asked and Dean watched Jack’s face closely as he replied,</p><p>“Yes. I never wanted this. I want to help people, but in this position it’s not entirely possible. You can’t get involved with the day-to-day when you constantly have to see the big picture. And most importantly, I miss my humanity. My soul, it is what connected me to my mom. I don’t like not having the part of me that was most like her.</p><p>“Kelly was a brave and kind woman,” Castiel said. Ruffling the back of Jack’s head.</p><p>“There is just one thing I need to finish before we do this,” Jack said softly.</p><p>“What?” Eileen asked,</p><p>“I am busy rebuilding heaven at the moment, restructuring it so that it’s no longer separate but interlinked,”</p><p>“You’re doing what?” Dean asked,</p><p>“Yeah. When I was looking at the structure of Heaven and the premise of “eternal happiness” the current model wasn’t working. I would never be eternally happy if I was separated from those I loved,” Jack looked a little shy as he explained. </p><p>“Kid that’s amazing,” Dean replied, smiling widely.</p><p>“Yeah?”</p><p>“Absolutely,” Sam agreed.</p><p>“It’s quite a lot of work and needs some cosmic restructuring. And I would like to help Amara finish this. But when it’s done. I’ll come back and release Amara and the light.”</p><p>“How long?” Cas asked.</p><p>“At the current trajectory, about one month in Earth time,” Jack said.</p><p>“Hell yeah we can wait a month if that means getting you back for good, ” Sam said smiling.</p><p>“And then you’ll come home?” Dean asked.</p><p>“Then I will come home,” Jack agreed.</p><p>“We’ll get your room ready in the meantime,” Cas said.</p><p>“Can it be dinosaur themed?” Jack asked softly.</p><p>“Fuck yeah,” Eileen said.</p><p>Jack looked like he was about to explode.</p><p>“One month,” Dean said as he hugged Jack again. Eileen, Sam and Cas followed suit and all gave the young god farewell-for-now hugs.</p><p>“One month,” Jack said and with a loud flap of wings he was gone.</p><p> </p><p>
  <strong>XX</strong>
</p><p> </p><p>“I can’t believe that worked,” Dean said as he dropped onto his bed. Cas smiled at him as he removed his trench coat and draped it over the couch that was still taking up an inordinate amount of space in Dean’s room. They would probably have to move it out soon, back to wherever Dean had dragged it from, if for no other reason than practicality.</p><p>“Of course it worked, it was your idea.” Cas said simply. He was leaning against the wall, watching Dean sprawled out on the bed: eyes closed with a faint but very genuine smile tugging at the corner of his lips.</p><p>“I am amazing,” Dean concedes, but Cas noticed the slight flush of pleasure in Dean’s expression at the praise.</p><p>“I concur,” Cas said, watching Dean’s smile widen. Cas loved that he was able to do that, was able to say what he wanted; that he was able to make Dean smile this way. His heart was very full.</p><p>“What are you doing all the way over there?” Dean asked after a minute of comfortable silence passed between them.</p><p>“Admiring the view,” Cas admitted and Dean opened one eye to stare at the angel.</p><p>“That’s creepy. Come here.”</p><p>“As you wish.”</p><p>Cas shuffled over to the bed and dropped down next to him. Dean extended his arm, and Cas moved as close as he could into the cradle the gesture created. Cas rested his head on Dean’s shoulder and placed his hand flat on Dean’s chest. Dean started lazily running his fingers up and down Cas’ arm with the hand attached to the arm currently encircling Cas. With his other hand he reached into his jean pocket and extracted his cellphone. He typed something as Cas tangled their legs and closed his eyes. Dean continued typing on his phone for a little while longer, and Cas busied himself by running his fingers up and down Dean’s clothed chest. The moment was so intimate and gentle that Cas thought that he would go through everything that had led to this moment a hundred times over if the outcome was this. For the first time in his exceptionally long life, Castiel was at peace.</p><p>“Hey, so I’ve been thinking,” Dean said, a slight tremor in his voice.</p><p>Cas turned toward him. He interlocked his fingers and placed them on Dean’s chest and then rested his head on the pillow they created.</p><p>“About?” Cas asked, looking at Dean directly. There was uncertainty in his eyes.</p><p>“About us.”</p><p>Cas stiffened. The uncertainty in Dean’s eyes making Cas feel cold all over. Dean must have felt the sudden rigidity of Cas muscles because his eyes widened and immediately moved his one hand and threaded it through Cas’s hair gently.</p><p>“Nothing bad, don’t look so spooked.”</p><p>“You look uncertain,” Cas stated, eyes never leaving Dean’s.</p><p>“ I just don’t know how you would feel about this,” Dean offered.</p><p>“I generally find that I can’t offer my opinions if I don’t know the subject matter.”</p><p>Cas saw Dean role his eyes and smiled at the familiar gesture.</p><p>“All right wise ass,” Dean replied, “I was thinking we should get married.”</p><p>Cas stopped breathing. Not that he really needed to breathe, but still.</p><p>“Married?”</p><p>“Yeah, it’s something two adults do who love each other.”</p><p>“I am aware of the tradition,” Cas said softly.</p><p>There was a very short silence, but Cas could feel Dean’s heartbeat speeding up.</p><p>“We legally can’t” was Cas’ response.</p><p>“Yeah, we can, that’s what I was checking,” Dean said, showing Cas the internet tab on his phone, “it looks like same-sex marriage was legalized in 2015 in the State of Kansas.”</p><p>Cas smiled widely at the screen, “That’s not what I meant, but I am happy we have that in our favour.”</p><p>“I don’t understand,” Dean’s eyebrows drew together in clear confusion.</p><p>“Legally, Dean Winchester is dead. And legally, I am Jimmy Novak.”</p><p>Dean let out a startled laugh, “That doesn’t sound like a no.”</p><p>“That’s because it isn’t a no,” Cas said softly. He moves so that he is sitting up right. Dean follows suit and soon the two are looking directly into the other’s eyes.</p><p>Dean smiled and laced the fingers of both hands with Cas’.</p><p>“Castiel. I am sorry that this isn’t very romantic. I am sorry that I do not have a grand gesture or a beautifully thought-out speech. But now, when you were here in my arms, I just realized that I never want to be without you again. I am so fucking in love with you Cas and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I want to wake up with you every morning and raise a family with you. I want you Cas, all of you in whatever way I can have you. And I don’t want to wait a second longer than is necessary. If we can get some papers sorted out and believe me I will move heaven and hell to do so. Will you please marry me?”</p><p>Cas feels tears streaking down his face and a sob breaks free from his chest as he grabs Dean by the neck and pulls him into a searing kiss. He breaks away briefly so that he can look Dean in the eye, “Dean Winchester, nothing in the many millennia that I have lived would make me happier than to be married to you.”</p><p>Dean smiled widely and Cas felt his heart clench and then the two fell together and into each other, both laughing and crying as clothing was removed and kisses became more frantic.</p><p>“It’s you and me now baby,” Dean whispered against Cas’ neck.</p><p>Cas hummed and in the same hushed tone replied, “In this life. And in the next.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>So that's the end of the story ladies and gentleman.</p><p>However, there will be a short epilogue posted soon.</p><p>Thank you so much to everyone who has read, left kudos or commented on this story.  This is the first fic I have ever written and I would not have been able to do it without all the interaction from you guys.</p><p>Wishing you all a lovely week ahead!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Epilogue: Darling so it Goes</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Please see the end notes for Trigger Warnings</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Fifty-one years later, on a Thursday, Dean Winchester took his last mortal breath. He died as he had lived… he died loved. Sam was on his right and Castiel was on his left and the room was teeming with his family, with his children and his grandchildren, nieces and nephews. Tears slipping down faces that had known and loved Dean for the entirety of his very long and very full life.</p><p>He was in no pain, Castiel saw to that. He had just reached the end of the road. The doctors had told them the week before, that time was running out. And Dean had insisted that Cas stop healing him, that he was ready to go. All the things, people and feelings he had wanted to experience differently he had been able to. His life had been good and long. And with the notice, he got to say his final goodbyes at his leisure.</p><p>An hour before, he had watched Castiel talking to Jack and his husband Connor, a nice man who had worked at the corner store close to the bunker in Kansas. His twin daughters had been brushing his hair and tucking him in warmly, as he was always cold these days. He kissed both of their hands as they joined their brother and father. Sam, who had refused to leave his side since this prognosis, was bouncing his great-nephew on his knee weakly. And looking at him, Dean could see through the lined face and the grey hair to the kid he had raised and the strong man he had become. He had patted his brother’s hand gently and had whispered “I’ll see you soon, baby brother”. He doubted Sam could hear him, his hearing long since having deteriorated. He mostly communicated through sign language these days.</p><p>He had smiled when Cas had walked over to him and had placed a gentle kiss to his forehead. Had smiled when he had called him handsome.</p><p>“I’m ready now,” Dean told him softly, Castiel nodded.</p><p>“But you can stay longer if you want to,” Dean whispered, holding on to Cas’ hand as tightly as he could.</p><p>The angel shook his head gently, “where you are is where I want to be.”</p><p>Dean smiled, “It’s been you and me through this whole amazing, beautiful life.”</p><p>“And now it's on to the next life,” Cas had whispered as he had kissed each of Dean’s eyelids.</p><p>“We’ll be able to have sex again,” Dean said mischievously, and Cas laughed through his tears.</p><p>“I love you so much Castiel Winchester,” Dean had whispered with his eyes closed.</p><p>“And I love you so much Dean Winchester,”</p><p>Dean had died shortly after that.</p><p>
  <strong>XX</strong>
</p><p>The first thing Dean noticed when he opened his eyes again was that it was very bright. He blinked twice as the world came into view. He could barely remember the trip here, but he knew where he was:</p><p>
  <em>Heaven </em>
</p><p>He looked around and saw that he was standing on the back porch of what looked like the lake house he and Cas had bought soon after their wedding. He saw the backyard beehive Cas had installed surrounded by beautiful flowers in full bloom. He walked around the house slowly and saw his face reflected back in one of the mirrors and he stopped. Staring back at him was the face and body he had had in his early forties. He heard shuffling inside the house and heard the kettle boiling merrily. Dean walked to the front door and pushed it open lightly. Standing by the stove, in pajama pants and one of his old band t-shirts was Castiel. At the sound of him entering through the door Cas’ head shot up and his face broke into a smile, the warmth of which would challenge that of the sun.</p><p>Dean launched himself at the man and wrapped his arms around him tightly. Cas hugged him back, holding on to Dean as tightly as he held on to him.</p><p>Elvis’ <em>Can’t help falling in love with you </em>was playing softly from the other room. And Dean swayed them to the music for a minute. When he pulled back, he was happy to see that his wedding ring had come with him, the silver band infused with the Grace that he had used all those decades ago to save Cas.</p><p>Cas reached for him and touched their foreheads together before breathily whispering:</p><p>“Hello Dean”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>TW: This Epilogue deals with Dean's death and his journey to Heaven.</p><p>Thank you all so much for reading :) xx</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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